one way or another: October 2005

Monday, October 31, 2005

Day 21

Beta HCG levels are rising wel:
Day 13: 200
Day 18: 2122
Day 21: 6317

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Shrinking is scary

Imagine you wanted to be pregnant really badly. And overnight you transform from slim to huge, looking 5 months pregnant and feeling pretty sick by lunchtime. That would sort of make you feel pretty good in a funny way, wouldn't it? Especially when hpt and bloodtests show that YOU ARE actually pregnant.

What would happen a week later when all of a sudden your tummy is shrinking and you are starting to feel pretty normal again? Right... You freak out, just a little bit. I have a hard time to believe I am and will stay pregnant today. I don't trust this situation for one bit.

The good news is... Tuesday 2 pm the housing issue will be sorted out. If by that time our buyers' money has arrived from Britain we can overrule the cash buyers unconditional offer on the little farm we are after. Exciting times!

Friday, October 28, 2005

Levels are rising

While I am slowly shrinking, my levels are rising. Moods are not too bad, just tired in the afternoons. Progesterone is 127 now which means I can wean myself of the pussypills. HCG levels are 2122. That sounds high for a day 18. Doubling time is 36 hours. Who has experience with these levels? When can I know that it's single or twins?? My levels fall of the charts on the sites I know... My first scan will be at 7 weeks. Around the 14th of November.

We've been having such a stressful time. The IVF, the OHSS, and on top of that trying to sell the house with the most hopeless real estate guy ever. Yesterday all of a sudden it looked like we had a buyer and everything would turn out fine.

Today the situation complicated. A cash buyer has snatched our little farm with an unconditional offer. At first it seemed we would make it to complete the sale of our house in time, but our stupid cock of a real estate guy has screwed the deal. Now it seems very unlikely we can do anything about it. I feel gutted. I was so looking forward to moving to the country. With my babies, dogs, horses and what ever I was going to buy/rescue/breed.

Gutted.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Relief

Today my body is finally starting to shrink a bit. OHSS is horrible. The last week I've felt so sick I couldn't even be completely happy with the positive test.

Today it's just as if the sun breaks through. I feel a deep sense of relief and letting go. Relief that the tension in my belly is breaking. Relief this IVF is over (although I still go in for scans and bloodtests every other day). Relief that my infertile year has come to an end.

And gratefulness that a little alien has invaded my body! Or maybe two!

Ofcourse a whole new set of anxieties are ready to sneak in my system. But for now I'm fine and hopeful and optimistic.

Tomorrow I'll have another hcg and progesterone test.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

For Thalia

I've been wondering before how you managed to be a full on professional and be this active in the blogsphere. You write long entries, collect and maintain all your links. You keep up to date, support and respond a lot of other bloggrls. You're truly amazing!

But it's good you wrote your confession the other day. Yes, ofcourse you are obsessing. The obsession is the part of the infertility that makes it so bloody painful. I've had lots of days of just obsessive browsing... (I use your link list to satisfy these obsessional days). I work from home, so there is no one to tell me to stop...

I recognise what you're saying. That you need a community of people that understand your biggest sorrow. And those people simply cannot be your collegues or clients. You don't meet women that go through this by accident at work or in the supermarket or the gym. What makes internet so great is that it's so much easier to meet like minded people than in real life.

Before I discovered the blogs on infertility I felt very isolated in my pain. I didn't know any one with ectopics or infertility or going through ivf. Just reading the stories in archives of blogs (ofcoure starting with Julie and Tertia) helped me a lot. After starting to write my own blog it helped me to know that there were some women out there thinking of me, like you and Mona. And I think about you too. I don't know if it helps, but I truly do.

If everything works out with my pregnancy my infertility lasted for exactly one year. This has been the most challenging and painful year in my life. All in all I haven't achieved much (anything) this year. So be it. If everything goes well I don't expect I will make brilliant work coming years either. It's just impossible to want everything.

I don't think you should give up the support you get from the internet. Maybe it works to set a limited time for blogging to get the obsession part a bit more under control. (Just in the evenings, or just two hours per day or so). Or make a selection of the girls you actively follow and support.

And... don't blame it all on the blog obsession. Just being on the hormones and the stress of the treatment are majorly distracting anyway. Don't expect to give a nice presentation in the days after your egg collection... And please don't plan anything important in the 2ww. I underestimated that a lot. Even needing to go to the hospital was a welcome distraction!!

The way I experience it is that communication through the internet can be very real. But it might be fun to meet some real women out there as well. I just picked up a flyer at my fertility clinic the other day for a coffee meeting. I might go there anyway.

I hope everything goes ok with your stimulation and your E levels!

heleen

Monday, October 24, 2005

I'm pregnant!!

Yeah, the good news is that I'm pregnant! With beta hcg of 200 on day 13... My Sunday doctor said that that's a very good number, no one has mentioned the word twins yet... I'm very happy, but totally uncomfortable, bloated, tired and sore.

Before the testresults came back I peed on a stick. There was a + instantly. This is the third time I'm pregnant this year. But I've never seen a test give such a nice clear and instant result. It feels quite unreal. And when I mention the word twins everybody just start to giggle. Even my mum....

I look like I'm 5 months pregnant. My waist grew from 75 to 92 cm. My left ovary is 12.5 cm. On the scan you could see cavities filled with 8 cm fluid... I think my body is stretching up a bit because it doesn't hurt as much as it did. Walking, sitting and lying down is all quite uncomfortable. What makes it hurts most is when air can't escape from my bowels. No more onions for me.

I'm back from the hospital. I had my own room with a great view over the city and Rangitoto, the vulcano in the harbour. It took them 6 tries to get an IV in. The drip contained gelatine, made from cow bones, didn't they have a vege-drip? I have to take aspirin and wear stockings. But that was all they could do for me at this stage. So far I'm a moderate case of OHSS. Lucky me. Not full enough to drain me.

As I didn't get much worse and my kidney and liver functions were stabile I could go home. I hang around at home now and go into town for daily bloodtests. More details later....

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I'm in hospital

Hello!
My gyn examined me. My ovaries are 10+cm and there's more than 4cm fluid in my abdominal cavity. I gained almost 2 kg and feel nausea and out of breath. Nobody expected this as my estrogen level at collection was only 6000, way below the dangerzone.

So now I'm packing my bag to go to hospital. It will be a bit boring I think. No internet connection!! Funny detail: R's exwife works at that department in that hospital. She didn't know that we were trying....

Anyway, talk to you when I'm back...
By then we'll know if I'm pregnant.
But my hopes are up :-)

OHSS

To distract me from my emotional misery some physical misery started yesterday after lunch. I started to swell up. First I thought it was caused by the onions on the panini I just had. I felt very full. As the day progressed I started to look more and more like a big fat sea-elephant! My belly doesn't look pregnant, it looks more like a giant toddler belly. Cute! Not!

When I walk I notice my breath is shorter than normal. Going for wee really hurts (especially the first bit), but the colour is normal. I'm thirsty, crampy, full, faint and nauseas (somebody please explain how to use the word 'nausea' - I might need it more often and English is not my native language). But the worst part of it I can only sleep on my back half upright on a pile of pillows. Any other position and my whole insides are getting squashed.

I feel a bit better and less bloated now in the morning, but I'm pretty sure I'll start to balloon again pretty soon. Left a message for my nurses. I haven't put on a lot of weight strangely enough.

I vaguely recall somebody saying that OHSS particularly happens at this stage when you're pregnant, so I'll pencil it down in the column 'Good Signs'.

Anybody out there with tips and tricks??

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Nothing to freeze

Lucky me I don't have a lot of readers, so I don't have to apologise to many that again, this is a wayning, sad, miserable entry.

I was expecting it: None of the left over embies has made it to blast. They have been trying hard, the lady in the lab said, and wished me luck with the once they gave me.

Mood is going up and down, but lately more down. Going to sleep crying, I dreamt that I had my period and everything was soaked in blood. Then I couldn't sleep anymore. I listened to the night birds in the bush and to R's reassuring breathing but still felt low and horrible.

Waking up crying as well. And everytime R says something really nice or sweet I crack up even more.

What makes it very hard for me is that both times I was pregnant I felt all kind of stuff going on from a very early stage. (Very likely caused by the embies hatching in my tubes...) Now I don't feel anything. And all the signs caused by the hcg trigger and the retrieval are fading. Slowly my body gets back to it's old (not so curvey) shape. That's awful!! Instead of starting to feel stuff the signs are fading away. My head can't cope with that.

I was warned for becoming 'teary' on the ivf hormones. The whole month I didn't cry once! And now I'm just on the progesteron pussy pills and I'm dripping all the time. Something in me just can't believe I could be pregnant. It's all doom and gloom. I don't want the 2ww to end, it could mean I the bad news. Or should I say: that's when I get the bad news. I just don't know how I will cope with that, where I'll find strength to get over it again.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Signs

Last night I woke up and felt my legs and arms were very heavy and relaxed. In my head I had a sort of noise like snow on tv. Maybe a bit weird, but those things I've felt when I was pregnant before. I couldn't sleep for a while, but woke up very happy this morning. Ofcourse going back in my worry mode after breakfast, but not half as bad as yesterday.

Thanks for your help last night, Thalia. The remark that there is no place better for my embryos than inside me really eased my mind. Lots of love, Heleen

Monday, October 17, 2005

Lost

There are things going on in my body, but I can't say if they are still side effects from IVF, side effects for the progesteron pessaries or maybe... My belly feels very heavy. I've had some cramps, but that might be just my bowels. In the evenings I'm very bloated, in the morning it's much less. I'm very tired, especially in my legs and head. Breasts are not so sore anymore.

I read about the 2WW, that it would be hard. I didn't expect it to be this hard. All in all I feel terrible. My mind is searching for changes in my body constantly, trying to feel every single cell of it in the hope to find my little embryos. Last time I saw them they were two little diamonds on a petri dish. Now they feel so lost.

I feel lost. Running around in a big black forest, searching for my babies. I cannot find them anywhere. Screaming, crying, howling. I'm so tired.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Enlightenment

I have to sit with it. I have to surrender to it. Every resistence makes it worse. Like being caught in a net under water. The more I struggle the more entangled I get. Choking. Drowning.

I used to trust my body. I loved the feeling of becoming pregnant, not just once but twice. To become pregnant the second time we believed it would work and we made it happen. The feeling of ectopic pregnancies not going anywhere has been devastating. Resulting in me not trusting my body anymore. Not believing that there is a chance in hell that this will work.

In the morning I look at the wheat grass I've sown. Sprouting, hatching, growing. Just needing some sun and water and soil. Simple! Wishing in my body it was as simple as that. Maybe it is. Will I ever get used to the feeling of being this powerless, this out of control?

If I could choose between becoming enlightened or becoming a mother I would still choose to become a mother. I don't know why my path is to practice so much patience.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

The Top Twins

R couldn't come with me today, he had loads of other things to do, like signing the contract for our (maybe) new house and he had loads of clients. My friend M came with me to the clinic. She has very short hair and everybody always think she's lesbian. I could see on the faces of the doctors and nurses some question marks, we thought that was very funny.

You know, blokes are great and sweet and you love them to bits, but girls can be so good to have around. M and me were giggeling through out the whole process and the nurses and the gyn, everybody joined the joking and laughing. (About me talking about wodka during my egg collection?!)

The serious part: one 12 cell, one 8 cell goodlooking embryos. The other ones a bit less developed or more fragmented. The embryologist will give them till Saturday, then she'll decide if there are any good enough for freezing. She explained to me that this is a very normal average outcome and that less than 50% percent of all cycles have embryos left over good enough to freeze.

For a short moment I was a bit dissapointed. Then I was just happy with my two. We had a short talk about putting one or two back. If I think I could cope with twins. What I don't like about it is being a medical case during the pregnancy and birth so you can't have a home birth, something I really would like. But just thinking about that seems going much too far too quickly...

Chances are better with two. So I got two. They looked lovely. 2 little balls consisting of more little balls.

Putting them back was a breeze. I could see the lining of the uturus on the screen. A little tube was pushed in and as deep and far as possible the embyos were released. I could see the comparison with the 'jam sandwich', there is no hollow space in the womb at all! Just two layers and my little balls of cells must be nice and snug in between them right at the far end.

Good to know, but still I was hesitant to get up. The idea of moving around and going to the toilet felt a bit dangerous. I think I wanted to lie there for 9 months. Having all those people around me to be responsible for my embryos, make it all work out and cheer me on 24/7... But no, now the embryos themselves, nature, fate, god and my body have to do the rest to make it work.

Everybody wished me luck. No horseriding, swimming or sweating... All of a sudden I was outside again. The whole thing was over before I knew it. On our way back I felt high. I could hardly hear what M was saying. Completely overwhelmed by the whole situation.

We went for lunch and a walk with the dogs. I have to get on with life now. I'll try not to think about it all the time. Yeah right.

So sad

On the morning before embryo replacement I read Ova girl's bad news. I feel so sad, I shouldn't have read it. I want to be positive, but sometimes it's so hard. I don't know how my embryos are doing. I'm scared, there might not be any left...

I gotta go to the clinic now, wish me luck...

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Mother of 7

The embryologist called. 7 eggs fertilised, 6 definitely not and 1 ambivalent. I'm all shakey about loosing the 6. In the end I only need one I tell myself, but still.... I hope so that the 7 will be good.

Today I'm the mother of 7.
Isn't that amazing!

Monday, October 10, 2005

14 eggs and a sample

We had to get up early to be in the clinic at 7.30. R had breakfast while I slept some more, had a shower and got dressed. Before we left just two more things to do: take three panadol and make the sperm jump from. R's body into the container with the pink lid.

R is always pretty much in control over his parts, so I didn't expect the sperm part of the story to be a problem. It's egg collection day, that's a complicated procedure. Sperm retrieving is supposed to be the easy fun part, no? The bit that usually needs a bit discouragement to keep the fun last a bit longer, no? We tried (just a little bit) and I thought it was going allright. Then R stopped: I don't have it in me, I can't, I won't, we don't have time, we gotta go. Ok, off to the clinic. Guys and stress...

In the clinic everybody was very sweet as usual. We met the nurse who would take care of me, my gyn who would retrieve the eggs and the embryologist, a very competent and serious looking lady scientist. The gyn eased R's worries (sort of :-). If you can't produce a sample there are several options: you can go home and bring it in later, you can take some viagra (hey wait THAT's not the problem!) and if all fails we can always take it out with a needle... (I tried to laugh not too loud, but somehow I thought that was very funny).

Hmmm, the drugs were lovely. I felt them kicking in, first in my legs and taking me over within some secs. Reminding me of good old days.

I do remember a little bit. A bit of pain. R being there and holding my left hand. A bit of poking around. I was moaning a bit and I'd hear someone say: give her more drugs. I remember them doing my left side. Then the right, I don't recall. I wanted to squeeze something with my right hand. I think somebody held my hand. It was over very quickly. I asked for a wodka.

14 eggs. I slept for an hour or so. Hospital beds are so comfy, I just turned around and slept some more. R was there when I wake up. He went to the toilet and came back and showed me.... the pink container full with his part of the deal! I thanked him and said it was a lovely and great gift. I had a coffee and something to eat. We left. I paid. I felt fine.

14 eggs. The embryologist will call me tomorrow how many are fertilized. 14 eggs. Not enough to have more kids then my great grandma, she had 16... 14 eggs. 4 days transfer on Thursday.

At home I slept a bit more. No pain in my ovaries, but very nasty cramps at the inside of my tailbone. I wanted to go to the toilet but trying was very painful and I broke out in sweat and almost fainted. R didn't hear me, he was hovering. Anyway, practical tip for other girls: try to have a shit before retrieval. Saves you from a painful experience later in the day...

It's now 10 hours after retrieval. I wonder how our little cells are doing in their little glass beds. R and me, so very close together for always, in a dividing cell. Unbelievable cosmic mystery.

I wasn't supposed to be alone, but in the evening R thought he could go out for a while. I was fixing something to eat in the kitchen and write this story at the same time. Oops, I almost burnt the house down whilst cooking. So that's why I can't be left alone. I feel quite clear but my head obviously doesn't work properly after these drugs!

I start to feel more like myself again now my own hormones are allowed to be in charge of my body. I was a bit tearful later in the afternoon. About little things. Just feeling very soft inside. I cried over Susan's blog. I don't know if my eggs are any good, but I wish I could give her some.

The last several weeks were not too bad. Just a bit tired. But underneath that, on a very abstract and untangible level IVF hormones subtly disrupt how you perceive everyday life and who you are. It's such a weird idea there's a chance I can be pregnant in some days. More hormone changes. Wow, I wish I could take a little hormonal break! I try to go with the flow, not let it get to me.

When I read in the papers how easily journalists write about pre implantation diagnostics, cloning, embryo selection and genetic manipulation I think they're not realising that in the end it's not all that simple.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

GE Chinese Hamsters fucked me up

Did you know that Gonal-f and Ovidrel are made from stuff derived from genetic manipulated Chinese hamster ovary cells? Gosh I wish I hadn't find out before I had to take the trigger shot. But ok, I've done all the prework, so what can I do? Say that I don't agree with GE or the use of animals? I bravely took the shot at a dinner party, the syringe was blunt as, I really had to bang it in! But as this was my 41st injection I didn't mind too much.

Anyway, 10 minutes later I had a terrible allergic reaction. Not to the Chinese hamster, but to the asparagus I ate. Itchy everywhere, especially my esophagus and eyes. And that was on top of the discomfort I was going through anyway. My ovaries are just sitting in the way, especially when I'm sitting on chairs.

In the car back R and I got a major fight. The stress was coming out of my ears by then. All in all I felt terribly upset and shakey. In bed I had strange visions of a claustrophobic underwater world with fishy monsters and I felt the need to be held and comforted. All of a sudden I just felt like during my first ectopic. Just plain scared. And very much let down.

We made up.
I woke up feeling like a porn star. Good old Chinese hamsters! Good to stir up those little spermies a day before we let them out to do their business. I loooove not having to shoot the Buserelin!

Tomorrow is the big day! Scary!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Ready!!

Another scan. My own gyn did it. She is really sweet and ultimately positive. You're doing so well, these follicles look so good, gorgeous lining you have there and we'll have many beautifull eggs on monday. How much cheering on can you get? I love it, I desperately need it.

R didn't bother to go in the scan room. What's the matter with him, the gyn asked. Ah, I said, it's a bloke... He's still in his grumpy mode. I'm dealing with it a bit better today. Mainly because I know now when my retrieval is.

So tonight it's trigger night.
Monday is egg retrieval day.

Thanks Thalia for your info, Good to hear I'm well within range. My nurse has also explained a bit more about the E2 levels. Every mature egg will make about 1000 pg/mol. And the levels double every 48 hours. When I hear todays levels I'll post it here.

Friday, October 07, 2005

The Not Knowing

What did I write yesterday? That I was doing ok? Well, I must have felt it coming: the Big Hormonal Meltdown. I feel so awful today! Tired, wobbly feeling in my legs, restless, and completely insecure about IVF.

I wanted to find out a bit more about the E2 levels and I browsed and browsed on the internet and I find nothing that gives me some good info. Just horror stories about OHSS and conflicting figures and details. On top of that different countries measure E2 in different ways, so I still know absolutely nothing after hours of searching while I should be working my ass of. The Big Not Knowing is really getting to me.

So if the nurses are right and I am not in danger for OHSS than it must be that my dozens of follicles are not maturing yet. Gosh I really don't feel like going on for much longer. I so hope I have the retreival on Monday. When I walk around I want to hold my belly as I feel my ovaries wobbeling up and down. I'm not too badly bloated although my body doesn't have a very feminine shape anymore.

R is not nice to me. When I feel like this I just can't figure out if I'm imagining that or that he is really a grumpy bastard. He doesn't talk much but when the phone rings he is all chatty and nice and laughing. I hate that when I'm like this. I want him to be totally nice to me, or else I'll try to make a fight and then cry my brain out after. You recognise this feeling? It all feels absolutely shitty today.

To complete the insecurities: our offer on the farm has been accepted but we haven't found one single buyer for our house yet. So we don't even know where we will be living. I can't work; no concentration, I'm all over the place. R and me both worry about money.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Abundance

R came with me to the clinic where I had my first scan today. Usually I don't mind undressing in a doctor's room but with him there it felt a little bit akward. I managed to slip under the blanket just in time.

Condom, jelly... put the thing in there. Instantly the whole screen was full of follicles. No kidding. The doctor measured a few, counted a few, moved around a bit and then started to laugh. They just kept on popping up on screen. There's heaps, there's abundance. I'm doing great he said, but we have to take care not to hyperstimulate.

After I got home the nurse called me with the results from my bloodtest and the new plan. Oestrogen levels are not too high (2433). So they don't think I'm in risk of OHSS and want me to continue on the same dose of Gonal-f for two more days.

Saturday another scan and bloodtest. I still hope I can trigger in the weekend and have the retrieval on Monday. I'm just getting a bit sick and tired of the whole thing. Although I'm doing amazingly well.

I have cried only once ever since I started the injections. I don't fight, I'm not grumpy or picky. I just feel weird, but emotionally very balanced, on the verge of deadly boring. IVF makes me a nicer person :-)

Wait until I am pregnant, experience learns I then go completely nuts. Must be different hormones, the ones that make me drive other people around the bend... I guess.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Wow I do feel it today!

The blood test results came back fine; I'm right on schedule. This means I'll be injecting the same dose of 150 IU Gonal-f for two more nights. Another bloodtest and a scan are scheduled on Thursday.

The nurse couldn't tell me yet when I'll have the trigger injection or when the egg collection will be. That all depends on the size of my follicles. So they might be able to tell after the scan. Today I feel exactly where my ovaries are in my belly. I never knew they were so high up! And they are cramping a bit, and when they do I get a bit nauseous and light in my head.

On one hand it's exciting that at least I feel something is happening down there, but on the other hand it's a bit scary. I hope everything will go allright, cause if this continues to develop like it's doing now I'm worried I'll be exploding tomorrow!

The 900 Gonal-f pen should be finished by now (6 days of 150 IU). Strange, there is still some stuff left in there, roughly another 150 IU shot, but you can't really say how much is in there and the last bit also contains an air bubble. A bit expensive stuff just to throw out. I paid NZ$660 (US$450) for that pen...

Monday, October 03, 2005

I don't feel anything

Monday morning. I am so tired! As soon as I get up I want to go back to bed. And I'm yawning all day. Climbing up the stairs feel like mountaineering. But I don't feel much going on in my belly. Is that normal after 5 days of stimulation?
Tomorrow a bloodtest, maybe that will give me some answers. Zzzzzzzzzzz

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Stim day 3

Yesterday our friend M called, at 5 AM, that her man E was in hospital with a pneumonia and that he was very likely going to die. E is only 42 and has a very fast developing form of MS.

When we got to know them about 4 months ago he was in a wheelchair but could still move both his hands. Now he can only move his head, and he even has problems speaking. When he was brought in to the hospital in the middle of the night he could hardly breathe and he told that he didn't want to be treated. Not even antibiotics. Just some air and morphine. A brave thing to do.

When the four of us became friends something changed me. Looking at E made my problems and suffering feel insignificant. Meeting M and E helped me to overcome my grief and depression caused by infertility. And M is just a lot of fun to hang out and do horsey & doggie things with.

So at 6 in the morning I was in the hospital, trying to be there for M while we were looking at poor E with his rasping breath and his oxygen mask. Once they had him stabilised E got a room on the top floor of the hospital, with a great view over the city and harbour. A lot of friends were visiting. It was almost like a little party and it lasted till late at night when the nurses kicked us out.

This morning M called. E wasn't going to die. He was pulling through. That is amazing. I am wondering if E will be really happy with this. I don't think I would if I couldn't move anymore with not much to look forward to.

Two ectopics, a laparoscopy a first ivf attempt, ohss and now proud mum of twins. Writing a blog trying to make sense of it all. And to share the experience with people that are going through similar things.

My insurance doesn't cover for IVF,
please help me by clicking on the ads
below the archives. Thank you!

Ova girl
Mm

one way or another