Nothing to freeze
Lucky me I don't have a lot of readers, so I don't have to apologise to many that again, this is a wayning, sad, miserable entry.I was expecting it: None of the left over embies has made it to blast. They have been trying hard, the lady in the lab said, and wished me luck with the once they gave me.
Mood is going up and down, but lately more down. Going to sleep crying, I dreamt that I had my period and everything was soaked in blood. Then I couldn't sleep anymore. I listened to the night birds in the bush and to R's reassuring breathing but still felt low and horrible.
Waking up crying as well. And everytime R says something really nice or sweet I crack up even more.
What makes it very hard for me is that both times I was pregnant I felt all kind of stuff going on from a very early stage. (Very likely caused by the embies hatching in my tubes...) Now I don't feel anything. And all the signs caused by the hcg trigger and the retrieval are fading. Slowly my body gets back to it's old (not so curvey) shape. That's awful!! Instead of starting to feel stuff the signs are fading away. My head can't cope with that.
I was warned for becoming 'teary' on the ivf hormones. The whole month I didn't cry once! And now I'm just on the progesteron pussy pills and I'm dripping all the time. Something in me just can't believe I could be pregnant. It's all doom and gloom. I don't want the 2ww to end, it could mean I the bad news. Or should I say: that's when I get the bad news. I just don't know how I will cope with that, where I'll find strength to get over it again.
posted by heleen + rod @ 9:28 AM
3 Comments:
C'mere....and let me hug you.
YOU know that apologies are never required around here. We are never prepared to deal with these infertility emotions. We never become "experts". It consumes & rules...time & time again. One bridge at a time Darl, you will cope with the outcome, good or bad because you are STRONG and you will prevail. I am spewing that you didn't get any blasto's to freeze...that does suck. It's just a little security that's been pulled from under your feet. You didn't need that at all. Fuck all my good advice. Heleen, this is FUCKED and we all know it, hang in there for all of us, I won't give UP ON YOUR TRANSFERRED EMBRYO'S OI! OI! OI!
Heleen, I'm so sorry the wait is proving so tough. But please don't apologise to us. We're here to support you however you need us, and this blog is for you, not for us. It must be incredibly disappointing not to have any frozen embryos, but you do have two inside you, they're still there and we're rooting for them.
Heleen I just checked back to see how you were and saw my repeated post. I'm so sorry my browser did that to you! I was posting from my blackberry, I guess I won't do that again.
Hope you're doing ok.
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