one way or another

14 eggs and a sample

We had to get up early to be in the clinic at 7.30. R had breakfast while I slept some more, had a shower and got dressed. Before we left just two more things to do: take three panadol and make the sperm jump from. R's body into the container with the pink lid.

R is always pretty much in control over his parts, so I didn't expect the sperm part of the story to be a problem. It's egg collection day, that's a complicated procedure. Sperm retrieving is supposed to be the easy fun part, no? The bit that usually needs a bit discouragement to keep the fun last a bit longer, no? We tried (just a little bit) and I thought it was going allright. Then R stopped: I don't have it in me, I can't, I won't, we don't have time, we gotta go. Ok, off to the clinic. Guys and stress...

In the clinic everybody was very sweet as usual. We met the nurse who would take care of me, my gyn who would retrieve the eggs and the embryologist, a very competent and serious looking lady scientist. The gyn eased R's worries (sort of :-). If you can't produce a sample there are several options: you can go home and bring it in later, you can take some viagra (hey wait THAT's not the problem!) and if all fails we can always take it out with a needle... (I tried to laugh not too loud, but somehow I thought that was very funny).

Hmmm, the drugs were lovely. I felt them kicking in, first in my legs and taking me over within some secs. Reminding me of good old days.

I do remember a little bit. A bit of pain. R being there and holding my left hand. A bit of poking around. I was moaning a bit and I'd hear someone say: give her more drugs. I remember them doing my left side. Then the right, I don't recall. I wanted to squeeze something with my right hand. I think somebody held my hand. It was over very quickly. I asked for a wodka.

14 eggs. I slept for an hour or so. Hospital beds are so comfy, I just turned around and slept some more. R was there when I wake up. He went to the toilet and came back and showed me.... the pink container full with his part of the deal! I thanked him and said it was a lovely and great gift. I had a coffee and something to eat. We left. I paid. I felt fine.

14 eggs. The embryologist will call me tomorrow how many are fertilized. 14 eggs. Not enough to have more kids then my great grandma, she had 16... 14 eggs. 4 days transfer on Thursday.

At home I slept a bit more. No pain in my ovaries, but very nasty cramps at the inside of my tailbone. I wanted to go to the toilet but trying was very painful and I broke out in sweat and almost fainted. R didn't hear me, he was hovering. Anyway, practical tip for other girls: try to have a shit before retrieval. Saves you from a painful experience later in the day...

It's now 10 hours after retrieval. I wonder how our little cells are doing in their little glass beds. R and me, so very close together for always, in a dividing cell. Unbelievable cosmic mystery.

I wasn't supposed to be alone, but in the evening R thought he could go out for a while. I was fixing something to eat in the kitchen and write this story at the same time. Oops, I almost burnt the house down whilst cooking. So that's why I can't be left alone. I feel quite clear but my head obviously doesn't work properly after these drugs!

I start to feel more like myself again now my own hormones are allowed to be in charge of my body. I was a bit tearful later in the afternoon. About little things. Just feeling very soft inside. I cried over Susan's blog. I don't know if my eggs are any good, but I wish I could give her some.

The last several weeks were not too bad. Just a bit tired. But underneath that, on a very abstract and untangible level IVF hormones subtly disrupt how you perceive everyday life and who you are. It's such a weird idea there's a chance I can be pregnant in some days. More hormone changes. Wow, I wish I could take a little hormonal break! I try to go with the flow, not let it get to me.

When I read in the papers how easily journalists write about pre implantation diagnostics, cloning, embryo selection and genetic manipulation I think they're not realising that in the end it's not all that simple.

posted by heleen + rod @ 6:23 PM