Loss of direction
They say it takes 9 months to 'de-pregnify', and that just describes what's happening with me. The babes are doing great: teething, crawling, sleeping through the night, eating 3 meals per day and getting less and less interested in breast feeding. All of a sudden I feel the old de-pregnified me is back, but then as a mum of 2. And I wonder where I am going? And I guess the answer will be: absolutely nowhere, for quite a while....The first stage of the life of the babies have been sort of Tamagotchi style, you know these Japanese toys you had to keep alive by giving them what they needed 24/7. From swaddled human larvae they have developed into real little people that crawl from their bedroom to the kitchen with a big proud smile on their face mumbeling mum-mum-mum as they pass by. Today the vacuum cleaner is the main target of their explorations.
Allthough very happy with being a mum, the old me is struck with an intense sense of lack of direction. The last 5 years my goals have been very well defined and I really knew what I wanted and where I was going: Emigrating, making myself at home here, and when I met R getting married, finding this great place where we live. Discovering and overcoming infertility. Infertility is one of the most horrible experiences that can happen to you but it does give you the luxury of having a clearly defined goal. Also being pregnant has a very clear sense of direction of course. Maybe that's one of the aspects that makes being pregnant into such a satisfying and beautiful experience.
But what about right now? I find myself being a full time mum and a housewife. It's not that I have anything against it, but I don't think it's really me and I'm not good at it. I am kind of messy and I hate cooking. I don't have much work on at the moment (web design) which is a bit of a worry as we can't really survive on just one income. That could change any moment again, but then I am not quite sure how to fit work in with just taking care of the twins and the house, the land and the animals.
I think I need a carreer change. Something that's really easy, takes very little time or talent, you can do from home and earns a shitload of money. Suggestions anyone????
In the mean time I'm enjoying the here and now and try to practice the zen of stay-at-home-motherhood. "Before Enlightenment fold nappies do dishes, after Enlightenment, fold nappies do dishes."
posted by heleen + rod @ 10:59 AM
3 Comments:
I check your blog on a regular basis. I was "just" pregnant with twins when you were delivering yours. I'm a previous blogger who experienced infertility for years.
I have enjoyed watching your little ones develop via the photos you post. They are so beautiful - so shiny and bright.
I connected with this post. Though my babes are only 3 months old (and holy cow is this hard business! - looking forward to only 3 meals per day and sleeping through the night!!), I suspect I will feel the same way as you. I left my social work career to figure this infertility stuff out as it was methodically destroying me. Now that I've done that, I'm a bit like a buoy floating aimlessly in the ocean. I have oh so much to keep me busy right now and am certain the babies will continue to keep me on my toes. But I know I will also long for a bit of my old life back as well.
Anyway - I have no great career ideas....but wish you well in your search!
Lara
...Why don't you just win Lotto? Problem solved!
I just visited your beautiful Country for the second time, really lovely. Maybe you could start up a Bungy jumping, Jet-boating, Sheep shearing, Tui & Speights drinking Funpark?
Thank you for stopping by. I have been feeling the same way you have. I don't know what to do, however my twins are not sleeping throught the night yet. One will and the other still get up once sometimes twice a night. I'm very tired need less to say.
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