Hope
Last night I took my first shot of Gonal-f, ...at least I think I did. It's not a big deal, in fact it is a very small deal! It was such a super tiny amount that after I was really worried that I didn't inject anything. Hm, I'll try to see tonight if something actually goes in my body.
I am one of the very lucky people on this planet that hardly ever have headaches. But Tuesday I suffered from side effects of the Buserelin and it felt as if my puitiary glands were about to pop out of my skull. Not a pleasant feeling.
Lucky me I had an acupuncture session scheduled. The acupuncture guy is really good. He is a bit weird, but what he does works very well. So in half an hour my brain felt it got back to its original size.
The acupuncture guy asked me if I ever experience my belly being colder than my chest. I said no, I don't think so, why? He said that some infertile women have that and that it's related with problems with the blood circulation.
Then I said: I don't consider myself infertile, I just have blocked tubes. Later I thought about what I'd said and was happy I feel that way. For a while I really struggled with the idea of being infertile. Somehow I felt it was part of who I was and it made me incredibly sad. But I guess I went through all kind of stages of mourning and depression and anger and I came out allright. Well at least for now, because I have hope.
Besides hope I have nice things to look forward to. We made an offer on the house we want to buy. It's a little farm and it's right on the edge of a forest. I've always wanted something like that where I can have the horses at home and some other animals and chicken and a vegie garden.
The first time I talked to R he asked me about my dreams. And I said a nice man, a baby, a piece of land, the horse at home and broadband. The nice man I definitely have. Our wedding is in March with lots of people from Europe coming over. The baby and the piece of land are in the making. It feels all very possible at the moment. The problem will be getting broadband in the country. I'm going to be on satellite!
I really anticipated a period of depression and misery as side effects of the drugs. I used to get very emotional and depressed when I was on the pill. That's why I chose for an IUD and that's how my tubes got damaged. But I must say that up till now my emotions are very stable.
The only thing that feels unreal are my changed sexual feelings. It feels like I can't even remember having sex ever in my life. Holding a hard cock in my hand feels just the same as holding someone's foot?! Wow, now that is weird. Hope it comes back soon! I'll have an immaculate conception :-)
Downregulated
Yay! I made it to my first bloodtest! The results showed low hormones which means I am downregulated enough to start the Gonal-F tomorrow. Next goal is to stimulate the follies....
My friends T & W
My friends T & W were TTC for quite a while, slowly discovering problem after problem: Slow semen, short luteal phase, polyps and both not so very young anymore. Their first cycle didn't work. They had one frozen embie that didn't wake up for FET...
They just went through their second IVF cycle. They retrieved a disappointing 5 eggs. 4 of which fertilised with ISCI and now it's two weeks later and guess what..... She's pregnant!!!! And they have embies in the fridge.
This is very encouraging. I feel so relieved and happy! I hope everything will work out for them.
More happy news from fertility land: My stepdog has had three white woolie puppies. That a tiny little dog can have such huge babies?! Incredible.
My little raft
Do you ever have that, that you can't stop reading IF blogs? How annoying is that! I must try to do something else today.... In a way I get sick of all these stories about cramps, laps, ISCI, MCs, spotting, etc. IFblogging is an ocean of sorrow and sadness and today I feel I'm floating in the middle of it trying to hold on to my little IVF raft.
It's hard to keep the faith that it's possible to have a healthy pregancy/baby one day when you read all of this on a daily basis.
* Day 10 *
Today is my day 10 drug shooting anniversary... Up till now things are going pretty well. So far I've had:
• 1 hot flush
• 1 day of moody emotional breakdowns
• some weight gain
• 2 sore tits
• tiredness and sleepiness
On the leaflet it says 'levels reaching the castrate range after 2 tot 4 weeks'. That might explain why my sex drive was gone. Fortunately the feeling of being sexless has gone now. My body is adjusting. The main side effect is that I am very tired in a sleepy way.
One week till the downregulation bloodtest.
Reincarnation
Every injection is one less, so in a funny way I'm looking forward to taking the next. I'm starting to feel the effect. It's difficult to get up in the morning. I am soooo tired. And hungry! My moods are not too bad, maybe a bit more sentimental than usual. The emotion 'I really really really need a baby' is bank in technicolor. That's good, at least I know why I am doing this...
Two girls on my blog list have had their babies. Everything healthy and fine. Good on you girls and congrats with Abigail Ethan and Madelin.
I have weird dreams lately. Last night I gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl. We were in hospital. The baby boy started to talk to me, he said in a loud and low voice: 'Mother!?'. Everybody in the room looked up, shocked. Then the baby said: I am a 53 year old man and just now I was looking where I parked my car. And all of a sudden I end up here! Wow, imagine reincarnation worked like that. That would make you think twice about having kids!
day two three four
A good tip for injecting: Look with the needle for a place on your skin where you don't feel it and push it in at that spot. That way you inject in between the nerves. Personally I didn't notice any difference between injecting it cold (from the fridge) or at room temperature.
Ofcourse I am on the outlook for side effects. Up till now it's going well. I've had some moments of nausea, but I'm prone to motion sickness anyway and I was trying to do a Sudoku puzzle while driving through town. That wasn't a very good idea.
This weekend I felt tired. A strange and drowsy, yawny kind of tiredness. I feel heavy in my arms and legs. Like I've done 100 lenghts in the swimmingpool.
Something else weird: I can't find sexual feelings in my body. It's a subtle change but fairly obvious on a sunday morning.
Anybody here with experiences with Buserelin?
We're thinking about moving to a piece of land where I can have my horse at home and get more animals and have no neighbours. We had a look at a place and we're tempted to buy. The house itself is not too great, but it's nice land, not too far from town and on the edge of a forest! I've dreamt about something like that all of my life.
All of a sudden it feels like quite a scary thing to do. Because we have to get a homeloan while we don't have very steady incomes. Also as if I can't chase two dreams at the same time. My whole mind is focussed on getting pregnant. I can't focus very well on my work either. Or keeping my social life going. Who said women were good at multitasking?
It's easy
This morning I had to take my first shot. I had a coffee and a shower to make sure I was awake enough to inject the right stuff in the right dose. Then I read all the brochures that came in my little suitcase. The leaflet of the Buserelin was particularly useful: Meds for testicular cancer.
I filled the tiny little syringe, let the air out. And then I sat down for a while, thinking: Am I really going to do this? There is something strange about sticking needles in your skin. Your body tells you to wait and think it over one more time.
Then I stuck it in my skin and emptied it. I didn't even feel it! Easy.
That's it for today.
Little suitcase full of drugs
I've got the drugs! They came in a little black suitcase.
Wait...
«I'll show you:It seems all fairly simple and straightforward. Tomorrow I start with Buserelin in the morning, followed in a few weeks with Gonal F in the evening. The Gonal F comes in a pen, so no mixing of powders and no mess.
I don't have problems with needles, so I think I'll be allright. I read a blog from an
eggdonor. She does this for money! Incredible... I think I'm going to try to stay cool about the whole IVF thing as long as possible. I bet my moods will go slightly crazy. At least the hormones of the pill used to have that effect on me. I've warned the people around me...
You know what feels strange? I've had so much pain and grief the last year with my ectopics and discovering that it would be very unlikely for me to get pregnant the natural way. I went through intense grief and sadness for quite a while. At the core of my pain was the deep and urgent longing for a baby.
At the moment the pain and grief are much less. Probably because of the hope that's created by starting IVF. With the grief almost gone the longing for a baby also feels less intense. IVF feels such a rational thing to do. A bit cold. Medicalised. But I know if IVF fails I have to go through that pain again, the ultimate craving for a baby.
I really wish I could get pregnant a little less conscious....
IF made me healthy
I've always tried to live healthy to some extend. I've been a vegetarian for almost all my life. Organic stuff attracts me more than fast-food and I'm not a big sweet addict. I exercise, or should I say: My animals exercise me, they make sure I stay fit. I do yoga. I have turned into a boring lentille cruncher!
Since I moved from drizzly grubby Amsterdam to the lovely outskirts of Auckland, the fresh sea air, the blue skies and since I changed the single partytime life (and the chemicals that go with it) to the regular and homely almost-married life and giving up smoking, I became super healthy :-)
Then IF came along. Before that I'd never been to a doctor or hospital for anything more serious than an infected throat, a dog bite, or a horse that stepped on my foot. Chemotherapy, numerous courses of antibiotics, anaesthectics, painkillers and the accompanying feelings of depression didn't do me or my body much good.
Time went by. At the moment I am very healthy again. I hardly cry anymore. Going to an acupuncturist and herbalist also helped. They helped me to reduce PMS to 0. The herbalist gave me lots of vitamins and some diet advice. Now I eat less carbs and more protein and omega-3 fats. I should eat more vegetables and less fruit, but that's a hard one. My skin is better than ever. I am never tired anymore. I sleep like a rose. I gained a little wait, but that's ok because I'll have something to inject in.
In fact I feel so healthy it frustrates me. I have the most regular periods. When I ovulate I have beautiful cervical mucus that lasts for days. R has great sperm.
I just have stupid blocked tubes.
Last weekend was the last chance for Sperm and Egg to meet the natural way. Saturday evening: 'Darling, there has been an accident in the tunnel, there is a big traffic jam, I think I'm gonna be a bit late!' Monday morning. Egg completely dissapointed. 'He said he would come and get me, but never showed up...'
Counting down
Today is the first day of spring. I'm counting down the days till IVF. Seven days before I start the hormones.
One of the reasons I started this blog was because I noticed I didn't talk much anymore. Since my ectopics last year I slowly but gradually stopped talking to other people but R. I also lost a great part of my creativity. I am much more passive than before and slightly obsessive. Sometimes I start to read other peoples blogs about IF and I can't stop. That's bad for my work as I work from home and there is nobody to check on me. Lucky me, there's nobody to fire me either.
I don't know many people in this side of the planet yet. Most of my friends are at home in Europe and I can only talk to them by email or phone. But I got sick of talking about my sadness. And I didn't want to bore anyone with it. So I stopped calling and mailing. And when I am feeling good I don't want to call them either because they will ask about it. That's really sweet, but especially when I feel good I don't want to talk about my infertility.
So I started a blog. I won't bore anyone here cause hardly anyone reads it, and the people that do are probably in a similar situation. And obsessed like me. Now I just need to find the discipline and creativity to write in it. Maybe it will be easier once the cycle has started. This waiting does my head in...
I have a stepdog. It's a mini maltese terrier and she is very pregnant. Her belly is huge and she has still three weeks to go! I don't think the 'real mothers' of the dog will let her have her pups here, but it would be nice to distract me. At first the thought that she was pregnant was quite painful, but taking care of this little pregnant soul is doing something positive to my pain. I don't want to become bitter, whatever happens to me and she is helping me with that.
