one way or another

Little suitcase full of drugs

I've got the drugs! They came in a little black suitcase.
Wait...
«I'll show you:

It seems all fairly simple and straightforward. Tomorrow I start with Buserelin in the morning, followed in a few weeks with Gonal F in the evening. The Gonal F comes in a pen, so no mixing of powders and no mess.

I don't have problems with needles, so I think I'll be allright. I read a blog from an eggdonor. She does this for money! Incredible... I think I'm going to try to stay cool about the whole IVF thing as long as possible. I bet my moods will go slightly crazy. At least the hormones of the pill used to have that effect on me. I've warned the people around me...

You know what feels strange? I've had so much pain and grief the last year with my ectopics and discovering that it would be very unlikely for me to get pregnant the natural way. I went through intense grief and sadness for quite a while. At the core of my pain was the deep and urgent longing for a baby.

At the moment the pain and grief are much less. Probably because of the hope that's created by starting IVF. With the grief almost gone the longing for a baby also feels less intense. IVF feels such a rational thing to do. A bit cold. Medicalised. But I know if IVF fails I have to go through that pain again, the ultimate craving for a baby.

I really wish I could get pregnant a little less conscious....

posted by heleen + rod @ 8:46 AM