one way or another

Hope

Last night I took my first shot of Gonal-f, ...at least I think I did. It's not a big deal, in fact it is a very small deal! It was such a super tiny amount that after I was really worried that I didn't inject anything. Hm, I'll try to see tonight if something actually goes in my body.

I am one of the very lucky people on this planet that hardly ever have headaches. But Tuesday I suffered from side effects of the Buserelin and it felt as if my puitiary glands were about to pop out of my skull. Not a pleasant feeling.

Lucky me I had an acupuncture session scheduled. The acupuncture guy is really good. He is a bit weird, but what he does works very well. So in half an hour my brain felt it got back to its original size.

The acupuncture guy asked me if I ever experience my belly being colder than my chest. I said no, I don't think so, why? He said that some infertile women have that and that it's related with problems with the blood circulation.

Then I said: I don't consider myself infertile, I just have blocked tubes. Later I thought about what I'd said and was happy I feel that way. For a while I really struggled with the idea of being infertile. Somehow I felt it was part of who I was and it made me incredibly sad. But I guess I went through all kind of stages of mourning and depression and anger and I came out allright. Well at least for now, because I have hope.

Besides hope I have nice things to look forward to. We made an offer on the house we want to buy. It's a little farm and it's right on the edge of a forest. I've always wanted something like that where I can have the horses at home and some other animals and chicken and a vegie garden.

The first time I talked to R he asked me about my dreams. And I said a nice man, a baby, a piece of land, the horse at home and broadband. The nice man I definitely have. Our wedding is in March with lots of people from Europe coming over. The baby and the piece of land are in the making. It feels all very possible at the moment. The problem will be getting broadband in the country. I'm going to be on satellite!

I really anticipated a period of depression and misery as side effects of the drugs. I used to get very emotional and depressed when I was on the pill. That's why I chose for an IUD and that's how my tubes got damaged. But I must say that up till now my emotions are very stable.

The only thing that feels unreal are my changed sexual feelings. It feels like I can't even remember having sex ever in my life. Holding a hard cock in my hand feels just the same as holding someone's foot?! Wow, now that is weird. Hope it comes back soon! I'll have an immaculate conception :-)

posted by heleen + rod @ 9:33 AM