one way or another

Ectopic #2 (April 2005)

The first three months after the chemo I wasn't allowed to get pregnant again. Methotrexate works by destroying the folic acid in your body so fast growing cells have no food anymore. So first the chemicals had to be out of my system and the vitamin levels in my body needed to be back to normal.

The statistics said I had a 20% chance my next pregnancy would turn out to be another ectopic. My doctors said: 'You can start trying again in February'. But I was thinking: There must be a good reason why I had the ectopic. And if there is a good reason, it will happen again. 100% Guaranteed. Medical science can be trial and error.

Somebody said: 'the good news of having an ectopic is that you know you can get pregnant'. But I wasn't too sure. Before I always thought that getting pregnant was a moment, the moment of the sperm penetrating the egg. But the more I read about it and also the way I experienced it myself made me realise getting pregnant is a process. The process of the sperm travelling up the tubes to the egg and getting inside of it. Then the fertilized egg moving over the grasslike cilia in the tubes towards the womb, cells steadily dividing. Then the egg hatching - digging itself in the lining of the uterus. Or somewhere else.... :-(
Getting pregnant takes 10 days. Ten long nervewrecking days.

I did everything right. No more drinking, healthy eating. Yoga, horseriding, dogwalking, swimming and no stress (quit my job). Started acupuncture. I bought a document on the internet that gave me more tips. I ate all the recommended vitamins... And ofcourse I had my monthly mental breakdown when my period came.

In March I started to temp & chart. And I bought ovulation predictor tests. And I looked at my mucus. We had sex when it was scientifically the right time. Many times :-) And wowee in the third cycle I became pregnant again!! Well, at least that was what my acupuncturist said 8 days after conception by feeling my pulse. I was very impressed. But I already felt something that clearly reminded me of the first time. I had felt the embryo hatch. A sharp and scratchy kind of crampy feeling.

I still don't know if you can feel when the embryo hatches in the uterus. I know for sure that you can when it hatches in your tube or fimbria. In my first ectopic pregnancy I had felt it too. I remember saying that it felt as if the embryo cannot find a nice spot. How accurate was that!
If you have felt your baby hatch after about 7 to 10 days after ovulation, let me know!

Ofcourse I was very happy. But the uncertainty took away a lot of the excitement. My first beta came back 118, so at least that was a much better score. Again, I felt the pregnancy wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't feeling more pregnant everyday. I just felt a little pregnant. And after being a week late I felt even a little less pregnant. Bleeding. Loosing the lining. Déjà vu.

It wasn't as bad as the first time. I was better prepared. Getting pregnant was no surprise. Loosing it was no surprise. The doctor sent me for a scan to the hospital. They instantly wanted to put me in bed with a drip and the whole lot. I was so much more assertive all the doctors and nurses were pissed off with me. I just want a scan! They didn't have time for a scan. So I drove two hours for nothing.

The next day I had a scan and again, there was nothing to see, not in my uterus, or anywhere else. It was so heartbreaking frustrating. Imagine you know you're pregant, but you know you'll never see or hold that baby. It will never have a beating heart. It won't even have a name. Nobody even knows where it is.

Something nice happened. My HCG levels were going down by itself. That meant the embryo wasn't making it, where ever it was. It meant no chemo, no surgery.

This pregnancy gave me something valuable: no trial and error anymore. We were a medical case now. No longer just a statistic. I could continue to the next level: The gyneacologist.

posted by heleen + rod @ 10:04 AM