one way or another

9 weeks 5 days

All is well in my belly, well I think. A bit nausea that made me throw up once till now. I had acupuncture for it, that seems to help a little but not 100%.

We've been in such total stress about the house that I couldn't think of much else. We had signed for the farm, thinking that we almost sold our house except for some small bureaucratic issues. Those issues turned out to be huge issues for the buyer. Oops. It took us for ever to sort it all out, 'helped' by the real estate guy from hell and the buyer's stupid lawyer bitch, also from hell.

Last night we finally got the OK. She is buying! That means finally our house is sold and we can move. I had an hour of total relief and then a wave of new anxieties came over me. We are moving from a gorgeous and comfortable house to a crap place that will need a lot of TLC... It has a lot of potential but it needs so much work. And how will I cope in the fucking middle of nowhere with two babies? How will I be able to earn enough money?

It all seemed an exciting dream when I was still able to lift heavy stuff and run around all day. I felt the same when I planned to immigrate: A big adventure; I am working on making my dreams come true. I can do that!

Now I feel that I am not so in control anymore and I feel very vulnerable. Up till now I could always count on myself, and I didn't have a lot of responsibilities except for me, my hore and my dog. Soon I will be responsible for two babies. And I feel responsible for R as well who is also giving up his safety to go on this crazy adventure with me.

I will have to learn to ask for help. That will be a new experience. Scary thing is that I don't know many people yet, and now we are moving again to a place where I don't know anyone.

Maybe the pregnancy hormones also make me feel this way.

Good thing of it all is that R and I have been under so much stress last half year, with the IVF and now with the house crisis, and we hardly ever fight. We just make things more bearable for each other and the feeling how much we love each other is always present, even after not sleeping for days and even when all other things seem to go wrong. That feels good. Very good. Ok, lets start packing!

posted by heleen + rod @ 8:34 AM