one way or another

Methotrexate and after

It's a long time ago, ten months! It's not easy to remember it all. It's not easy to recapture the feelings of the total loss and rockbottom depression that I experienced back then. Although I have never seen my baby, although it has never even had a heart beat my body and my soul were completely overwhelmed with love for this little soul in the first weeks of being pregnant.

The chemo was not too bad. I didn't loose my hair, no bad nausea, just total exhaustion. I fell asleep on the doctor's desk when she was gone for a minute. Fell asleep somewhere while walking the dog. And crying. I remember the nurses patching me up with coffee with sugar - it wasn't smart to let me drive. But them being just friendly to me would make me burst out in tears another time.

The hospital kept a close look at my beta numbers. With chemo there is a small chance that some cells survive and continue to divide. The result of that won't be an embryo anymore. Just strange cells, programmed to multiply, holding on to your insides. But lucky me, the numbers went down...

A week after the methotrexate something started nobody had warned me for. I started to bleed A LOT. I got a bit scared I would need the surgery after all, but doctors told me that it was part of the deal. The pain was just excruciating. In my side, my belly, my back, I didn't know pain could be so bad. But after a couple of days I felt something 'POOOFF' - and that was it. The 'thing' let go, I felt better instantly.

A few days later I started to get a pain in my lower back that was sort of pulling my right leg. It became gradually more difficult to turn around in bed, to get out of bed, and in the end I simply couldn't move anymore. More doctors and more chemicals helped me to get on my feet again. It felt like it was strongly related with the ectopic. But ofcourse normal doctors say it isn't and the alternative scene didn't have anything that was strong enough to fix me.

I've always been a healthy person. In this short period of time I had three courses of antibiotics, chemo treatment, painkillers, and anti inflammatories. Yeay! In Janury we had a big detox, super healthy diet, no alcohol, and even a colonic. Let's not go into details!

posted by heleen + rod @ 5:51 PM