one way or another

Last post...

2007-05-03T08:49:00.000+12:00

This is my last post for now. Blogging has been fun and helpful, but I'm just not one of those 'stay-at-home-mum-bloggers'. Life is just too uninteresting at the moment and I don't want to write about teeth, nappies, and sleepy times.

When I started this blog I had a list of links to blogs I read of women who were trying to get pregnant just like me. Great and encouraging is that the ones that kept blogging all had a baby (or two) or are pregnant right now, either with or without fertility treatment.

9 months....

2007-03-14T21:12:00.000+13:00

C & L are crawling so fast now! And they are pulling themselves up on the furniture and falling down quite often. Yesterday while I was putting L in the buggy C crawled down the hall so fast I couldn't let go of L to grab him in time so he fell of the step of the front door, flat on his face (and his lovely little teeth). Not high, just 15 cm, and he was ok, but I felt so terrible!

This morning when I was having a shower both babes were standing up on the outside of the door of the shower cabin. It took a while before I could persuade them to go down on their knees again so i could open the door. It was as if they were not letting me out on purpose. Very funny.

The house is baby proofed so they can play everywhere except the office. Absolutely sweet: When you call them they come crawling to you. So you here tap-tap-tap through the hall when you are in the kitchen. C & L are inseperable and like each other lots. C opens his mouth wide and gives L big smoochy kisses on her head. And big smoochy kisses on the cat. And my leg.

I know we've been very lucky so far. Apart from reflux and one night vomiting (L) the babes have never been ill before. So last week it was our turn: We all had a cold. They were very snotty and snoring and didn't want to eat and couldn't sleep. I was thinking about all parents out there with sick children. That must be so tough.

Last weekend the clock has changed and daylight savings is over. The person that invented this messing around with the time should be punished! How do we tell the babies that 5 am is not a good time to get up? And that they have to stay up late? And that it's not time for dinner yet? It's 10.15 and I am so tired.... And in the evenings it's frustrating as well. As soon as the kids are in bed (and I finally have my hands free) it's pitch dark, so no more time for my horses or gardening or anything outside... And that's how it will be for the next half a year...

Loss of direction

2007-03-01T10:59:00.000+13:00

They say it takes 9 months to 'de-pregnify', and that just describes what's happening with me. The babes are doing great: teething, crawling, sleeping through the night, eating 3 meals per day and getting less and less interested in breast feeding. All of a sudden I feel the old de-pregnified me is back, but then as a mum of 2. And I wonder where I am going? And I guess the answer will be: absolutely nowhere, for quite a while....

The first stage of the life of the babies have been sort of Tamagotchi style, you know these Japanese toys you had to keep alive by giving them what they needed 24/7. From swaddled human larvae they have developed into real little people that crawl from their bedroom to the kitchen with a big proud smile on their face mumbeling mum-mum-mum as they pass by. Today the vacuum cleaner is the main target of their explorations.

Allthough very happy with being a mum, the old me is struck with an intense sense of lack of direction. The last 5 years my goals have been very well defined and I really knew what I wanted and where I was going: Emigrating, making myself at home here, and when I met R getting married, finding this great place where we live. Discovering and overcoming infertility. Infertility is one of the most horrible experiences that can happen to you but it does give you the luxury of having a clearly defined goal. Also being pregnant has a very clear sense of direction of course. Maybe that's one of the aspects that makes being pregnant into such a satisfying and beautiful experience.

But what about right now? I find myself being a full time mum and a housewife. It's not that I have anything against it, but I don't think it's really me and I'm not good at it. I am kind of messy and I hate cooking. I don't have much work on at the moment (web design) which is a bit of a worry as we can't really survive on just one income. That could change any moment again, but then I am not quite sure how to fit work in with just taking care of the twins and the house, the land and the animals.

I think I need a carreer change. Something that's really easy, takes very little time or talent, you can do from home and earns a shitload of money. Suggestions anyone????

In the mean time I'm enjoying the here and now and try to practice the zen of stay-at-home-motherhood. "Before Enlightenment fold nappies do dishes, after Enlightenment, fold nappies do dishes."

Sweet

2007-02-26T17:00:00.000+13:00

...and my cat

2007-02-26T16:58:00.000+13:00

I love my dog (2)

2007-02-01T21:37:00.000+13:00

End of an era

2007-01-23T10:15:00.000+13:00

It's the end of an era. The babies are growing up soo fast! Not quite crawling yet, but moving around the room as lightning by rolling and 'bum hopping', getting stuck under chairs and against the wall...

Charlie got his first tooth today. I sold their baby hammocks. They're practically weaning themselves of, eating three meals per day and sleeping through the whole night. I don't think we'll have more children, so with pain in my heart I see how quickly they grow and develop into two beautiful people.

Happy New Year!

2006-12-30T10:49:00.000+13:00

girl and boy

2006-12-12T10:44:00.000+13:00

I love my dog

2006-11-13T12:12:00.000+13:00

Solids

2006-10-25T11:15:00.000+13:00

L&C are four and a half months now and yesterday they ate their first solids: rice and breast milk. YUMM! They really loved it!

For me it felt a bit sad on one hand: losing that dependence, that exclusiveness, the feeling they don't need me so much anymore. On the other hand it's a step towards a little more freedom for all of us.

I guess R loves it too. Finally he can feed the babies too. This morning when I was still asleep he gave Charlie another 'bowl of rice pudding' (one teaspoon) made with left over milk. When I came in both my men were beaming with happiness.

Reflux and sleep

2006-10-16T12:46:00.000+13:00

My last post was a little too optimistic. The gaviscon didn't really do the trick. It even seemed to make things worse for Lola. Besides that it was very hard too make the babies swallow the medicin as each sachet needs to be dissolved in 15 ml of fluid. The recommended dose for their weight is 2 sachets. So how does one give small babies 30 ml of yukkie stuff without choking or total meltdown (6 teaspoons!)? I think I need a first aid course first as at some stage I thought Charlie was drowning. Very scary and traumatic for all of us.

I went to see a doctor. She seemed a nice and competent woman (after our very strange encounter with the last GP we visited who obviously knew nothing about thrush on nipples - but that's another story...) She pressed on Lola's belly and clearly squeezed some acid into her very sore oesophagus. She screamed like a little piglet, very sad, but also making the diagnosis very clear: Acid Reflux. The remedy: 4 weeks Losec for Lo and two weeks for Charlie.

Losec prevents the body from making stomack acid. Without the acid the irritated oesophagus gets the chance to heal. The meds don't improve the spilling, the babes need to grow over that. In time the valve between the stomack and oesophagus will close better. And starting solids in a while might help to keep the stomack contents down.

Problem remains: how to get (only 5ml of) medicin into the babies? We tried it in a bottle and in a syringe (without needle ofcourse) but it is a big drama every time. The kids get very upset and manage to spit out most of it. Sometimes it even comes out of Charlie's nose. Can you imagine the stress and the mess?!

Anyhow, the reflux seems to be getting better. The babies sleep longer and better and cry less and seem to be more settled. And the more they sleep during the day, the better they seem to sleep at night as well.

What also might help is that I lifted the head end of their beds a little. The reflux slowly started after the babies moved from their (slightly upright) baby hammocks (see photo) to their flat beds (next photo). That is perhaps no coincidence.

Co-sleeping like this in the livingroom (the only heated room) really worked for us in the winter. Now we have moved back to the bedroom and the babies sleep together like this (normally under blankets ofcourse and with a heavy pillow in the middle):

Talking about sleeping and crying. The nights are getting better! Usually at 7pm, after a bath and a last feed, the babies go to bed. I used to let them cry, just tucking them in every 5 minutes or so. The crying could last up to 20 minutes. Very frustrating because I hate leaving them to cry as the plunket nurses tell you to. Last night I read to them, they slept in a few minutes and didn't cry at all.

At 1.30 or 2 am they wake up for a feed and go straight back to sleep till 6, sometimes 7. I feel better now and look less like a junkie.

The daytime sleeps can still be difficult. I watch their sleepy signs: frowning, clenching fists, wingeing, crying, red face, rubbing eyes etc and put them in bed as soon as they show them. We tried to learn the babies to sooth themselves but letting them cry doesn't work, especially not with twins. Charlie cries longer and keeps Lo awake. If I let her sleep in another room I end up with him falling asleep by the time she wakes up. That seriously screws up the day because then everything gets out of sync, doubling the work.

Today I'm trying to read to make them go to sleep in the daytime and it works just great. They sleep after 3 pages in stead of crying for up to half an hour or sometimes not managing to get to sleep at all and ending up very tired and very upset.

I'm reading a very old Dutch book to them. I usually speak english to the babies and only a little dutch to my old dog and the horses. But I think it's nice if they get used to the sound.

From 2 cells to 6 and 7 kg

2006-10-11T11:10:00.000+13:00

Today it's a year ago Charlie and Lola were two two cell embryos somewhere in a petri dish in a lab. And look at them now: beautiful kids, 6 and 7 kilos, smiling, grabbing, and turning from their bellies on their backs. I still feel blessed, although pretty tired and worn out at some days.

After my entry about the three months growth spurt I was expecting things to get better. They did a little for a short while, and then the babies started to cry even more. They don't want to sleep in the day, at least, not in their beds. They sometimes have a little powernap in a bouncychair, in the buggy or in the car. And they cry a lot. The only thing that seems to work is to carry them and walk around, but that's so hard when you have two babies! Sometimes I'd just leave them for a while. That would feel awful because I believe they don't scream for no reason.

I talked about the crying before at checkups. But the response was 'They'll grow over it', 'Babies just cry', 'Look at your own diet', 'It's a growth spurt' and 'Do you think you have enough milk?'. I think because the babies grow so well and look very healthy nobody took me very serious so far. At yesterdays checkup I talked about it again. The babies gave a perfect example of their normal behaviour: They smiled for 5 minutes and then started to spill a little and then scream. The nurse was very nice and took the time to listen to me and take me serious.

Her conclusion: Reflux, but even more so silent reflux. Lola seems to swallow most of it, Charlie is always wearing wet shirts or bibs from his continous spilling. The babes must be in a lot of pain and when they lie down it feels really bad. Poor babes! Overtired and in pain, surely that will make you scream!

Today the babies have had some gaviscon to neutralise the acid. Only on half a dose you can feel their little wriggely bodies relax. So everytime the babies show signs of tiredness I can put them in their beds to sleep. Up till now it works great and they want to sleep every one and a half or two hours. It's great I've got time to sit behind my computer, and it's so quiet! I hope this will work, because I was getting pretty down not being able to comfort my kids.

12 weeks - 6pm

2006-09-13T18:00:00.000+12:00

It's pissing down rain. I'm tired. Haven't slept well because Charlie doesn't sleep very well anymore. It takes ages for him to give up the fight to stay awake. And wakes up often. The only place where he might fall asleep is in my bed, preferably with nipple in his mouth.

Today he is screaming hour after hour, sleeping ten minutes in between, waking up for a feed, screaming again. Five minutes after changing him I hear him fill his nappie, I change him again, there is so much poo his whole back is covered with it! I bath him. He is happy for 15 minutes. Lola sleeps a lot today. Thanks Lo!

It's 6 pm, the cat screams for food too. The dogs on the deck staring at me to say 'Let us in!'. The horses standing in front of the gate, everybody wants food... There is a mountain of washing on the couch, a mega pile of shirts that need ironing, the dishwasher needs emptying. I'm hungry but I'm sick of eating boring plain stuff. I typ this with Charlie screaming on my lap, arching his back all the time. Nothing works to calm him down. But I just can't put him down.

Now Lola is waking up.
Screaming too.
Horrible time of the day.
Horrible 12 weeks.

Trying to work

2006-09-05T15:17:00.000+12:00

I work from home. Well... I used to. I knew a baby would be busy. I knew two would be even more full on. A lot of work on top of everything else I thought. But honestly I didn't know that the babies would replace the rest of my life like they've done the last 3 months. So I'm trying to get back to doing non-baby things. What a challenge!

Today, I'm trying to work. I design with one hand (right) because one baby is sleeping on my lap or drinking (on the left). The other one in the bouncer next to me. Sometimes they swap. I have a break when one of them needs to feed on the right. All is very easy when at least one baby is asleep...

I know that all mums say that about their babes, but Look! I think they are amazingly adorable!

Feeding the twins

2006-08-29T13:58:00.000+12:00

Ova girl made me laugh with her story about her stay in hospital. Nice to read that now breastfeeding is going well.

I could relate to her experience in hospital with the women that were there to help me to get the breastfeeding going. Me and my husband called them the breastfeeding nazis or laleche witches. Maybe they've breastfed themselves for 15 years and have a thick layer of callas on their nipples and breasts they can throw over their shoulders to feed the bubba sitting on their backs... But me, I went from size A to D. You can imagine that that alone hurts without anyone headbutting, sucking, pulling or squeezing your tits.

After the birth I was so engorged my breasts felt like wood, with a nipple that was so sensitive I couldn't even wear clothes. Then the breastfeeding team came in with the three of them, hanging over me with their bad breath and start to pull the nipple two centimeters out (but there is no stretch left!). Ouch!

Still after 10 weeks, I have moments that my breasts are so full that when I lie on my back breathing it hurts! It's great that I can exclusively breastfeed my twins. In ten weeks they have dubbled in weight. I think I would have enough for three! I have a pump but I don't use it because in the night I still wake up in puddles of milk. At the moment now that the babies sleep longer periods I'm trying to ease the flow a bit. I never really had big boobs. One friend even suggested when I was pregnant that I wouldn't be able to feed my babies because of my small size. It's nice to prove her wrong!

Here in NZ you have to breastfeed. There seems to be no alternative. The women that run antenatal classes are by contract not even allowed to talk about bottle feeding. In hospital there is not one bottle to be seen. They say that only 1% of all women is not capable of breastfeeding. And I do admit, this approach works. You think that you can do it. Although the first few weeks you are worried that you don't have enough. I hear that from so many women!

In the breastfeeding propaganda they say that breastfeeding does not hurt. Well, sorry, that is unfortunately not true. The first weeks I breastfed about 16 times per day. No matter how well your baby is latched on surely that will cause pain and cracks. Your nipples are just not used to it. Besides that newborns don't latch on just like that. It takes a little time. Still now, after almost three months they have days that they slide on and of all the time or just mess around, pulling my nipples and releasing with force as in a sadistic little game. They always seem to do that when something is bothering them like when they are windy, crampy or spilly.

Lola got thrush in her mouth so I got it on my nipples. You can't see it but it causes a painfull stabbing sensation in your breasts and a sharp scratchy feeling on the inside of the nipple when the milk comes down. Nasty. But under control now.

In hospital the experts promoted 'tandemfeeding' as the way to go. But as soon as I got home I fed the babes one on one untill they were at least able to latch on properly. Tandemfeeding can be messy and frustrating at first and the first weeks you really need a hand (to latch number two on). But after a while (a month or so) we all three got used to it. It does save you time. And it's nicer for the babies to be able to relax after a feed and fall asleep on your breast without being put down because it's the other's turn now.

You have to experiment a little. I tried the 'rugbyhold' but we all hated it. The babies didn't like to be held by their heads and be flat on their backs. They were falling of the pillows at the back and my nipples didn't like to be pulled to the side like that.

How we do it: Before I start I put both babies in the corners on the couch on to pillows, I sit down in the middle, latch on the baby on the left first, then drag babe number two to me with my right arm. Their legs go in between my legs and both babies are sitting upright. And now I can also do it just sitting on the floor. It just gets a bit heavy on the arms after a while.

To be able to succesfully tandemfeed with tiny little newborns I think swaddeling is handy. You can drag the babies to you by the swaddle with one arm without having to support their floppy heads.... I quickly found out that babies are much more robust than I thought.

Breastfeeding can be a bit of a challenge, but it's no neurosurgery. And in the end it's good for the kids and me. It's a sweet contact with the babes especially in the time when they were not responding much to anything else. I'll try to keep it up till the end of the year. The things I don't like: The dripping. Being hungry and thirsty all the time. And the 'nappy-brain'. I'm so vague in my head I sometimes even feel I'm a danger on the road.

But what I hate most is that I am not able to eat nice food. The babies responded with upset tummies to a lot of foods. I only eat very bland stuff like fish, chicken, carrots and patatoes. A piece of pizza last weekend caused 24 hours of cramping, crying and green nappies.... So no garlic, onions, beans, coffee, chocolate, apples, tomatoes, cabbage, brocolli, banana, grapes, curry, spices for me :-( And O, no dairy either. Has anyone some suggestions what to eat tonight????

Early days

2006-08-22T13:37:00.000+12:00

10 weeks later....

Wow, motherhood has been a wonderful and intense journey so far. Sorry for not writing my blog... It's a bit of a shame not to write as I'd like to keep all the memories. But time goes by so fast, it's hard to capture all these moments and emotions. And having twins is so busy! I hope to catch up with the story when I have a little break from, you know, feeding, changing, shushing, cuddeling, comforting, feeding, staring, smiling, feeding, and changing and did I mention feeding?

The C-section.
The 14th of June I had the elective ceasar. Me and R felt excited and a bit anxious. While I was being prepped R went down to the car to get the camera and then the fire alarm in the hospital went. He had to wait outside until the all clear, but he was back in time to be there to hold my hand, and I really needed that! My other hand was held by a lovely nurse that told me what was going on.

The epidural was the most scary part. The sensation of cold and warm and tingeling and little shocks throughout my whole body I remember as very unpleasant. What made me feel good was that all the nurses and surgeon and the anaestetist made a very professional and friendly impression. I said you have to be a fairly trusting to be fully conscious while being cut open. R distracted me from what was happening. I felt so close to him that I hardly noticed all the other people in the theater and what was going on. Before I expected anything number one was already dragged out by his feet: Charlie!

What an incredible sensation! My pink screaming baby was lifted over the screen so I could see him. An intense feeling like lightning. He was so much bigger than I'd imagined! He was taken down so quickly that our digital camera didn't get it, but we had a second chancewith 'twin B', Lola. I didn't feel any pain but the pulling and the feeling of someone digging around in my insides was very uncomfortable. I hated it. Lola was quite high up in my body so I felt strong and deep tugging and pulling and shoving around in my insides. There she was, also dark pink and screaming. I'm so happy with that photo. I still can't get enough looking at it. Look at the nurse in the background. By the smile on her face you see that all is going great. 'This is as good as it gets', my OB said later.

Throughout the whole procedure I knew all was going well. More digging around for placenta's and my fallopian tubes (no more ectopics for me thanks). From the corner of my eyes I could see my babies being weighed and checked out. And then when I was all closed up I could finally hold them. They were so nice and warm, with a lovely smell. We fell in love so deep instantly.

In recovery the La Leche crew came in. The most painful bit of being in hospital were the middleaged witches pulling my nipples and squeezing my breasts. Whatever they did it must have worked because we managed to get the babies on the breast and drinking but all in all it was fairly unpleasant. I felt crowded (were there three of them hanging over me?) and I was pretty drugged up so not really in a state to tell them to back of a bit.

I just had to hold my babies. In a cot they started to cry instantly and I couldn't get out of bed to get them so they stayed with me in bed. I didn't have ideas about it before but 'co-sleeping' was definitely the way to go following my instincts. Despite the morphine and pethadine I felt very strong about the babies, a bit like a tiger.

The room in the hospital was very warm. And my breasts were so sensitive I couldn't wear any clothes over them. So I've been sitting in bed topless for the entire stay. The room had no view, and outside it was dark and rained non-stop. And the flipping bed was so small and had no sides! No wonder some nurses were hinting about the dangers of co-sleeping. You're in bed with two babies, six pillows and all drugged up!

The nurses were telling me to take my painrelief, press the button to get more drugs through the epidural, take more morphine and panadol. But I didn't feel much pain. I just wanted to be clear in my head and be with my babies. The nurses didn't agree but I just had a few panadols.

The hospital likes you to stay until 'breastfeeding is established'. I am quite realistic, and we were doing pretty well, but if you really want to establish breatfeeding (for the first time) you should stay in the hospital for at least two months. There was no medical reason for me to stay. And I missed home, I missed R at night, I missed the dogs, the view and fresh air so after three days I walked out of the hospital with my big treasures in their little carseats. Great to be out and see the sky and the green hills and coming home.

Two amazing little miracles

2006-06-20T12:52:00.000+12:00

Two amazing little miracles....
Born on 14 June 2006:

Charlie & Lola
10.45 Charles Rees | 2660 gr | 46 cm
10.46 Lola Johanna | 2800 gr | 51 cm

Everything is going really well
I've never fallen in love this quick and this deep before.

3 more nights

2006-06-11T10:23:00.000+12:00

Wednesday I'll be a mum. It's so hard to comprehend. With the caesar I still feel that I'll be missing out on something important. A rite of passage. An essential piece in the transformation process from a woman into a mother. But I'm sure I'll get over it.

Today I'm 37 weeks and I'm having a good day. Some other days I'm starting to feel heavy and getting fed up with it. If I didn't have a caesar I think it would take at least another week or even two before the babies were coming.

I really enjoyed being pregnant and I feel a bit sad it's almost over. I loved my body this way. And the babies feel so safe in there. I've heard it a 100 times: You carry so well! It's true. I feel still very blessed and very lucky. I hope I'll be a good mum too... One last picture of my belly...

c-section... on June 14th

2006-05-25T10:00:00.000+12:00

In the very likely case my boy doesn't change his mind and his feet down position I have a caesar scheduled on the 14th of June. I feel a bit sad about it. The twins didn't get in the natural way, and now thay can't get out the normal way...

Sure I know that in my case a C is less risky for the babies, and in the end I want two healthy live babies. But still. I was looking forward to experience nature in me. To go through the whole raw but beautiful process. Everytime I see a birth video I feel a wave of emotions going through me. I don't have them watching a c-section.

My OB is a lovely guy. I know he will do a good job. And as I am in theater he can remove my damaged tubes too so I won't get anymore ectopics.

When I told R. the date was set on the 14th he finally realised how soon it will be. And we have so much to do before that day. It's getting a bit scary!

Yesterday one of my best friends gave birth to her daughter. 3800 grams. First contraction at 5, baby born at 8. Isn't that great! Well done and congratulations and lots of love for Lola... Strange detail: we are 20,000 kilometers apart. We haven't talked about it, and we choose the same name for our daughters. May be we will give ours a different name.

Slowing down

2006-05-16T09:24:00.000+12:00

Little by little there is less and less left over of me and my body for me. Less space for food and breathing. Less energy to concentrate, walk around, or even think straight. Less agility to turn around in bed. Less strenght to do a little job like feeding the horses, or walking up the hill. Less speed to grab the pup when he is very naughty (chasing our new cows...- aren't they cute!)...

All in all I know I'm blessed that everything is going well, but now at 33 weeks I'm really starting to feel it.

As a self employed person I can never really give myself time off. I have to finish two big projects but my brain feels like glue. Every other day I treat myself to a cup of coffee. I must say that that still really works wonders :-)

The NZ government has made a new law: Self-employed people qualify for paid parental leave! Your baby needs to be born or expected to be born after the 1st of July. Lucky lucky me: My due date is the 2nd of July! 14 weeks of paid parental leave. Jay!

Hey psssst, I don't dare to say it out loud... but... Thalia is pregnant. We just have to wait a while until we know if everything is ok. I am already so happy for her!

All average

2006-05-02T14:51:00.000+12:00

The babies are growing well! All the measurements were average for 31 weeks. Their weight is already 1.7kg (3.7 pounds) The boy was practicing his breathing excersises (good boy!) and the girl has already lots of hair on her head.
The girl is head down again, boy still footling breech. They have started a race for the number one position. I wonder who will come our first!

No good pictures this time. I'll stick here one of last time.

Bigger

2006-05-01T11:15:00.000+12:00

We're 31 weeks now. And it's starting to become heavier and a bit more uncomfortable, especially in the evening and at night. A little pain here and there; sometimes in my pubic bone, sometimes my hips or shoulderblades. The food I eat doesn't always want to go down (no space). And my hair is falling out big time. Lucky me I had lots of hair to begin with.

I gained 10 kg up till now. That's not an amazing lot (22 pounds), but my OB and midwive are both very happy with me, my health and the progress of the babies. Bloods and urinetest, all came back fine. Tomorrow I'm having an other scan (hope the boy is head down now), I'll post some pics...

We went for a little late honeymoon last weekend. The weather was glorious. R and me stayed in an old hotel and sailed through groups of islands and saw dolpins and a seal. Very nice to come back as well. The preggy hormones have turned me from an adventurous world traveller into a homely girl. So nice to come back and sit on the couch with my dogs. Charlie has grown noticebly in just 2 days!

Up till now I haven't felt the urge to go buy lots of baby stuff. We have the basics now: two little hammocks, bedding, cotton nappies, some clothes and a changing table. And I also bought a bathing bucket. That looked so comfy and snug. I feel very attracted to all sorts of eco stuff and organic cotton but it's so expensive!

My mum send me a big box with baby stuff. Opening the box was like going into the archives of a museum. Plastic bags full of meticulously washed and ironed baby things. The smell of the linen cupbourd at home. Giving me mixed feelings. Not all pleasant. I know I need all the help I can get, but I do feel relief that mum lives 18000 km away.

The packs contained stuff I've been wearing when I was a baby, but also things from the fifties my mum made for my eleven year older sister, blankets, sheets, clothes, bibs, clothes, tiny socks. Some things will still come in handy but the rest I've put away, neatly folded, retaining the lovely smell. One day I'll play dress up with both the babies, take some pictures for my mum, and then put the stuff away again...

Breech times two

2006-04-06T12:52:00.000+12:00

Another scan to see how the babbies are doing at 27 weeks. So sweet, two little heads together, way above my belly button, one facing forward, the other facing my spine. That they are both breach now didn't surprise me much because I feel both of them kicking against my cervix.

The boy (leading twin on the left) should come head down for me to have a natural birth, but he still has several weeks to turn around. So they told me not to worry. My new antenatal class lady told me to go to the swimming pool and stand on my hands for a while. See if that helps?!

Both babies are exactly the same size and weight (a little over a kilo now). And I think my iron is starting to run low, I don't seem to get much done anymore these days and I'm just yawning all the time. Just trimming some shrubs back in the garden feels like climbing Mt Everest...

I had also had a gly-col (or what was it called?) test. You have to drink some kind of a lemonade, not to bad at first but tasting terrible at the end. Then wait for an hour (reading old gossip magazines about Brad and Jen en Ange and feeling very nauseaus). Then a blood and urine test.

So first you pee a bit in the pot, then a bit in the cup, and the rest in the toilet. How hard can that be? All done, I get up but my pants got stuck behind the cup holder. So my test cup ends up in the toilet and the holder flying through the room. Oops! I don't know if my sample got polluted with toilet water. I handed it in without telling. See if I get strange results back....

Puppy Charlie is doing great. Almost housetrained now and playing with my old dog half the day. Super! Lots of stars for Charlie and for Fred.

Charlie

2006-03-19T20:09:00.000+12:00

Look at our new baby :-)

Reality check

2006-03-17T10:47:00.000+13:00

Last weekend I met a woman with twins. We talked and with almost anything we said the other replied with 'ME TOO!' We're even born only two days apart. Her twins (a boy and a girl) are 5 months old, conceived with IVF, born with a C-section. Big difference: she struggled with her infertility for 13 years, for me it was just one year. She said: Not having children simply wasn't an option. All these years she knew one day she'd have them. And she did!

Yesterday I went over to her place to see her and the twins at home. Her house was so clean and tidy! Just amazing! The twins were very sweet. I gave her boy a bottle and he felt so warm and relaxed and happy. We talked about all sorts of things. Infertility, IVF, pregnanacy, birth, antenatal class, babies.

The babes were quite hypnotic. I must have been there for hours. I was wondering if she is lonely, sitting at home with the babies with her man out for work. Babies 24/7 for always and ever. Day and night. A strange mix of feelings came over me in the car on the way back. How will my life be, how will I be, how will we be once the babies have arrived? These are the last weeks of me being my old me. Life the way it was will never come back.

Change can be scary. The unknown can be scary. I have little moments I am truly scared now I am preparing for the reality in stead of just living in a dream.

More gloom

2006-03-14T09:55:00.000+13:00

The second antenatal class was more informative, but seemed at stages a long ad for pain relief. As the doctors want to monitor your babies you have to lie on your back, and when you lie on your back you need pain relief. So an epidural seems the way to go. On top of that they don't want you to feel too tired and worn out afterwards because you have to start breastfeeding and stuff. (How did our mothers do that?)

We watched a video with a smiling woman telling she was getting a bit uncomfortable during labour, so she'd been so happy with the epidural!

I have to talk about this with my OB, cause I seriously want to give it a go and at least try to do it the natural way, seriously. I think you really need the pain, and the endorphines more than being comfortable.

Maybe I'll talk differently later, but at this moment, this is how I feel about it very strongly. I hope I don't have to fight to make my point clear to the medical people. I'd rather have them tell me 'You're doing great and pain is just a part of the job' than 'It's your own silly choice wanting to have pain and it doesn't make our jobs easier either'...

Antenatal crash course

2006-03-13T10:19:00.000+13:00

Yesterday I went to my first antenatal class. In my class three other women. One very pale and tired looking lady expecting triplets (all boys) of 28 weeks. Two women pregnant with both girl twins around 30 weeks. Naturally they were all so much bigger than me! And they were sighing and rubbing their bellies. Two husbands were present. They didn't say anything, the whole class.

Looking at the women I almost didn't feel pregnant at all. The 6 weeks difference is a huge difference...

The theme of the day was premature babies. Hardly relevant anymore fore the two 30+ week girls, but you never know. For the first time I felt worries. My image of having the babies might be too rosecoloured. I bought them two little hammocks last weekend, expecting that everything will be fine. That I'll wrap them in my mums quilts and walk out of the hospital a day after the delivery...

Apart from the bleak realisation that things could actually go majorly wrong, that I and/ or my babies might end up in hospital for quite a while and that we all could suffer from all kind of pains and disorders or even die, class was slightly boring. I'm really not an expert, and I've only read one or two books and browsed the web a bit, but I haven't heard much new stuff in this class so far.

Another class tonight. The 6 lessons are jammed in 3 weeks!

Most beautiful day

2006-03-08T13:40:00.000+13:00

I feel truly blessed. Last Saturday I got married to the most wonderful man I know, my best friend, my lover, the one I want to grow old with. The sun was shining bright. Many amazing people came to share and celebrate this special day and enjoy with us the beautiful spot on this planet we call home now.

R and me arrived on our antique tractor down the hill to a circle we mowed in the grass where all our guests were waiting for us. My horses had flowers in their manes and were looking very surprised and curious by seeing all these people walking down the fields. The ceremony was lovely. I even managed to say my vows although I got very emotional saying 'you are my best friend'...

After the ceremony there was heaps of champagne in a wheelbarrow with ice and waterlillies and (how exciting) orange juice for me... After that an amazing meal on two long white tables with flowers in the field next to the barn. A lot of people made speeches, the sun set all pink and gold.

We made a big fire, lit torches and candles and then a great band starting playing till very late at night. Everybody was dancing and I heard so many times 'This is the best wedding we've ever been too'. We'll, I felt the same; the best wedding I've ever been too.

Next morning I think more than 35 people were still there, camping. So the party just continued where we stopped the night before, with breakfast and more drinks. And then everybody helped cleaning and tidying up. I can write about this weekend much much more (we even had real soap style nasty family drama), maybe I'll just post some more pictures....

P.S. About the babes
Went to the obstetrician today, babes' heart beats are very loud and clear and healthy. I'll be having another scan and checkup in 4 weeks time. Finally time to focus on being pregnant... My belly is as big as if I was 30 weeks with a singleton. No strechmarks so far thanks to my new husband's oil rubbing :-)

Bridezilla, where are you?

2006-02-24T10:28:00.000+13:00

One more week and I'll be Mrs D! Oh My Oh My, just one week to get everything ready. This week has been already completely crazy with 5 extra people sleeping in the house, I'm trying to work and I still haven't found nice shoes to wear...

I might not really be suited to be a bride. I'm one of the rare cases that doesn't like shopping, goes to the hairdresser twice per year and has never had a pedi or manicure in her life. Well... this week will be my week: I've appointments for a colour and cut of my hair, a facial, legwax, pedicure, hair styling tryout, dressfitting #2 (the dress was way too big!) etc.

Girls, where do you get the time, energy and money to do this on a regular basis? It's just amazing!

The babies are doing good, I think. I'm 21 weeks now and you can feel them wriggeling around, even on the outside of my belly. Sometimes they're so busy that you can see little movements on my skin. The boy is much more feelable now than before. I think he's facing backwards and his feet are down. I feel him sometimes on the inside of my spine. Strange blips and blops.

I've had amazing dreams about them; me and the babes smiling at each other and experiencing ecstatic feelings of love. The dreams are gone now, I currently dream about table settings and flowerarrangements.... Somehow R and me will both be very happy when the whole wedding thing is over and we can go back to our everyday life...

Twenty weeks

2006-02-14T11:08:00.001+13:00

Time is going way too fast! We're already 20 weeks. So the babes are twenty cm now (8 inches). Theoretically if the babes would decide to appear in a months time doctors would try their very best to help them survive.

Brenda (from 6 feet under) gave premature birth to her baby at 30 weeks. I realised when I saw that episode: Oh my! In 2 and a half months I could have two children! But ofcourse I'll try to keep them warm and snug as long as I can.

In fact at this stage I feel like I never want them to come into this world, it's so nice to have them inside of me. I had a dream that I gave birth to my girl. She was tiny but perfect, like a gnome in a fairytail, you know the kind that live in a big mushroom. We looked at each other and just couldn't stop smiling. So sweet.

I don't feel my boy very much at this stage as he is behind his placenta. My girl I can feel several times per day: blip blip!

Nesting hormones haven't kicked in yet. Although... I do pay much more attention to the household chores than I've ever done. I still get more excited by seeing a nice wheelbarrow than a babybed. I've been in babyshops but half the stuff I don't know what it's for. Next months I'm going to the antenatal classes, I might get some useful info there. And i think shopping with R. will help. First see what all the family brings. I should have mentioned it on the wedding invite: Please don't bring baby gifts....

I just chucked out my IVF suitcase with brochures and bills and other stuff...

Oh, by the way, I managed to find a wedding dress! I saw a dress I really liked in the wrong colour, and a dress I didn't like in the perfect fabric and now they are making the dress for me just how I want it. It's almost white, classic, silk, and flowing nicely over the bump. I'll show you later! I have to try not to get any bruises, musquito bites etc on my legs anymore from now. That's a challenge...

I tried tried also a tight golden dress but unfortunately I'm not just lean with a bump anymore. Pregnancy packed some 'emergency reserves' on my lower back and hips. It all looked a bit too chunky to my liking. I hope that the new bumps will disapear when I start riding my horse again...

We're working hard to get the property suited for the wedding. We turned the field where we'll have 'the banquet' in six weeks from an overgrown weedy wilderness ino almost a golfcourse. It lookes amazing!

With the ride-on mower we mowed a track through the longgrassed fields down to the ponds. There we mowed a circle in the grass, it will be the 'open air chapel'. I'll try to organise lots of flowers. It will be big fun. It already is.

Ladies and Gentlemen.....

2006-02-06T11:32:00.000+13:00

Last Thursday i had the'anatomical scan'. All the bits and pieces were present. 2 x 4 heart chambers, kidneys, 20 fingers and 20 toes and..... we could see what sex they are.

On the right there is a little girl, and more to the left my baby boy... I'm so happy with this! I don't want to sound sexist or ungrateful, but honestly the news of having two boys (or two girls) would not have made me this happy....

R and me just spread the news. We see no reason to keep it a secret and all our friends and family give us great feedback and they're all thinking about names!

Furthermore the scan showed that both of them are developing according to the book, and are exactly the same size. The girl has the placenta on the back, the boy on the front. This might explain why I feel her more than him, he is nice and snug tucked away behind his placenta!

I had an interesting insight the other day. I'm so happy having two babies in one go. I do know it will be hard work, but then again, if it was only one not long after the birth I should go back to the clinic for IVF#2 to try for another one before my 40th.

I've got no embryos left in the freezer. I think that if I had I would want to 'try 'm out', or 'give 'm a chance'. As I have nothing to freeze I won't feel that pressure or longing.

So probably this is it.... It's a bit of a shame, because I can't say anything else than that I love being pregnant. I feel very good. I feel lots of love for everything. I will remember this time as one of the happiest times in my life.

You might smile and say: well wait until you're 7 months you'll feel different about being pregnant! But up till now it's great. My backpain is gone too and I'm full of energy.

First movement?

2006-01-17T09:07:00.000+13:00

We're 16 weeks now, time flies! I've got a belly! There is not much to tell about the babies, except that I think I feel them move sometimes. It feels a bit like little fishes, or bubbles in water. But everytime I think I feel it it's gone again...

I haven't had an appointment or scan for 4 weeks now. My OB is on holiday. Except from some sleepiness I feel fine. If I just make my 11 or 12 hours per day I'm fine. Some days I've had a terrible backpain, but I don't think that's realted to the pregnancy. My acupuncturist helps me with that, so that's great.

The main reason why I'm hardly blogging is that we're on dial up at the moment. That is so slow! I just had the good news that we'll have fast internet soon.

Nuchal fold

2005-12-23T08:44:00.000+13:00

We had the nuchal fold scan yesterday at 12.5 weeks. The babes are both 7 cm now and look very comfy in there. We saw little hands and feet, left and right brains, little stomachs and hearts and in between the mini legs of the one on the left something that reminds you of a... So that one might be a boy!

All was fine. The nuchal fold (a little layer of fluid in the skin at the back f the neck) was small, and the nose bone looked fine, reducing our chances for Down to 1200:1 for both of them, which is the same risk as for young women.

It's strange, but because we bought this rundown farm and I am not so nauseaus anymore I don't think about the babies so much anymore as I did (24/7). I'm less aware of them. I'm running around with my weedeater and chainsaw... I want to fix fences and help R build the stables and chop the weeds. And then all of a sudden I get so sleepy I just have to lie down and sleep for two hours.

Then I realise that they are in there. And since the scan yesterday I think about them all the time. Those tiny little hands and feet. So sweet.

Hillbilly

2005-12-20T14:12:00.000+13:00

So here I am... in the hills. Almost all boxes are unpacked, the views are lovely, the wind blows through the trees. I'm a bit sleepy the whole day. The babes want me to take it easy and just hang around, which is fine.

Always hard to understand for new people like me in the southern hemisphere: It's christmas and it's summer. I have all the windows open and the wind blows through (the house smells horrible - I hope it goed away).

Once you are pregnant being pregnant is easy. It just all goes by itself. It's a miracle.

Pregnant bride issue

2005-12-13T09:19:00.000+13:00

I'm getting big already. I cannot believe that I already have such a belly with the babes being just 4 cm or so. If I'm already showing this much at 11 weeks, I'm truly worried how I will have enough space for them in .... 5 or maybe even 6 months time.

The idea they won't fit in is a very disturbing idea for me that sometimes keeps me awake. Maybe it's still a little OHSS, cause in the evenings I am much bigger than in the mornings, and also after a very active day my belly gets bigger than on slow days.

I will be huge and enormous!

Sometimes I wish I had a lot of readers so they could give me some tips or ideas. For instance on the pregnant wedding dress issue. I have no idea how big I'll be in 10 weeks. I'm pretty sure here in NZ there are no shops where you could find one wedding dress for a pregnant bride.

So I thought I'll have something made. For inspiration I'll look on the internet. But I couldn't find anything I liked, except for Heidi Klums dress, but I really don't want to wear black on my wedding! Besides that it will be very very hot in March.

Life is so good

2005-12-08T11:11:00.000+13:00

Here in NZ you can have a child completely for free. Your midwife, bloodtests, everything is paid for. Great. But.... When I asked for a specialist in the hospital they said: you don't need a specialist, you need a midwife. And then I got a midwife and she didn't even have time to talk to me on the phone or even breathe. I decided to go find myself another midwife.

So I did, but it wasn't easy to find a midwife that wants to come 'all the way' to our farm (15km outside the civilised world, on a dirt road). I finally found one. She sounded very rural and has two whole rocking years of experience and done one twin birth up till now. But she's been around!, she added...

I'm basically looking for a person to make me feel safe. So I decided to get a private obstetrician. Amazing: for only NZ$2200 (US$1570) I get an obstetrician, a midwife, antenatal care, a delivery, a ceasarian, visits at home, anything that's needed. Times two. Except scans. Super!

I had an intake interview in the OB's clinic yesterday. Filled in lots of forms. It became all of a sudden so real for me. I'm getting a little pregnant belly too. I'm not sick anymore, just a bit sleepy. I think the placentas have taken over the hormone supply. My whole system starts to relax. This must ne almost the start of the second trimester. Amazing how time flies!

I hope Ovagirl will feel all these things soon too. And all you girls out there, it is really worth while. I know what you are going through hurts like hell. I would feel really frustrated reading what I write now three, four months ago. But I also hope that my story gives you a bit of hope. It is possible! IVF does work! Don't give up! I think about you lots.

Overall I feel completely blessed. Two years ago I arrived here. With 8 boxes, a dog and a horse. Look at me now: I have a husband, a farm and two babies on the way. Yesterday I walked around the property with a friend. We simply couldn't stop laughing, cause it is so ridiculously big! I think we have to buy a serious amount of animals, just to keep the grass down!

More spots

2005-12-06T12:16:00.000+13:00

Yesterday afternoon it got quite bad. And I had such a heavy feeling in my legs and belly. And little needle twinges on the left of my uterus. I felt so very premenstrual. I got scared. Really really scared. I still don't have a midwife or new specialist. I had an appointment with one, but she has done ONE twin pregnancy before, so I'm going to cancel her again...

At 6pm I rang the fertility clinic in tears. My nurse was very sweet and asked me what she could do to make me feel better. She booked me in for a scan this morning. She said that I shouldn't worry too much and take it easy.

When R came home I was all in tears. He panicked with me for a minute or two and then calmed me down. The spotting stopped in the evening and I felt a bit better this morning.

R came to the clinic for the scan today. All is fine. No sign of bleeding. I might come from the cervix. They are 3.9 and 3.3 cm now. It was so good to see them! I was so relieved that I had tears in my eyes again. I'm very sentimenti these days. My whole world could collapse, as long as I can keep my little babies...

Pink Spot

2005-12-05T09:43:00.000+13:00

It is incredibly scary. It is paralyzing freeking scary. I had a pink spot on my toilet paper last night. I googled it up: "pink spotting ten weeks", then I read thousands of stories of women that had the same questions: Is something going wrong? But no answers.

Somewhere I read that at 10 weeks the placentas are starting to form, and that can cause some spotting. For now I calm myself down with this thought. And I'll go find myself a midwife. I strongly feel the need for another scan, just to know what's going on.

9 weeks 5 days

2005-12-02T08:34:00.000+13:00

All is well in my belly, well I think. A bit nausea that made me throw up once till now. I had acupuncture for it, that seems to help a little but not 100%.

We've been in such total stress about the house that I couldn't think of much else. We had signed for the farm, thinking that we almost sold our house except for some small bureaucratic issues. Those issues turned out to be huge issues for the buyer. Oops. It took us for ever to sort it all out, 'helped' by the real estate guy from hell and the buyer's stupid lawyer bitch, also from hell.

Last night we finally got the OK. She is buying! That means finally our house is sold and we can move. I had an hour of total relief and then a wave of new anxieties came over me. We are moving from a gorgeous and comfortable house to a crap place that will need a lot of TLC... It has a lot of potential but it needs so much work. And how will I cope in the fucking middle of nowhere with two babies? How will I be able to earn enough money?

It all seemed an exciting dream when I was still able to lift heavy stuff and run around all day. I felt the same when I planned to immigrate: A big adventure; I am working on making my dreams come true. I can do that!

Now I feel that I am not so in control anymore and I feel very vulnerable. Up till now I could always count on myself, and I didn't have a lot of responsibilities except for me, my hore and my dog. Soon I will be responsible for two babies. And I feel responsible for R as well who is also giving up his safety to go on this crazy adventure with me.

I will have to learn to ask for help. That will be a new experience. Scary thing is that I don't know many people yet, and now we are moving again to a place where I don't know anyone.

Maybe the pregnancy hormones also make me feel this way.

Good thing of it all is that R and I have been under so much stress last half year, with the IVF and now with the house crisis, and we hardly ever fight. We just make things more bearable for each other and the feeling how much we love each other is always present, even after not sleeping for days and even when all other things seem to go wrong. That feels good. Very good. Ok, lets start packing!

Graduation day

2005-11-17T11:19:00.000+13:00

The twins are growing well, #1 is two days ahead and #2 is one day ahead. They are 1,29 cm and 1,23 cm. With my genes it's likely they're gonna be tall kids. They look like a little duck and a little seahorse. Their little hearts beating like little LEDs. It's so incredible everything is so small and so complex and so rapidly developing. Big Big Tiny Miracles!

At the clinic the whole team wished me well, urging me to come back and show them when they are born. The team there has been so good to me. My own gyny, her two partners, all the nurses and the desk people. They were nicely emotional when I left. I don't think even a celebrity could have been treated nicer than I've been treated there, I swear.

I'm going to try out the public system now, in the same hospital where I had my horror experiences with the ectopics. I'll go and have a talk there to save me 4000 dollars and quite a lot of kilometers. But if I have only the slightest doubt I'll go back to my lovely friendly private fertility clinic...

Sick

2005-11-14T08:19:00.000+13:00

Those little aliens are sucking the life out of me. No morning sickness, I just feel sick the whole day. I walk to the fridge wondering what to eat, and then quickly close it again. The only thing I can do all day is yawn and sleep. Not throwing up just yet. Maybe that would give me some relief.

Last week my gyn said it was likely I wouldn't get sick because it hadn't started by then and the levels of pregnancy hormones were high. I hate it when she is wrong!

Overall I feel happy and feel that everything is going well. (Why else would I feel so crap?) Just a bit worried every now and then. About loosing one, loosing two. What happens if you do all these tests and it shows that one will be very very ill?

6 weeks, one day, two heartbeats

2005-11-09T15:45:00.000+13:00

On the scan yesterday: two 4mm embryos with frantic little heartbeats. They look great and are in a good place my gyn said. I had tears in my eyes when I saw them, Oh look at them, Oh I can see their little heart beats! Oh! and then I started to laugh and couldn't stop. The gyny started to giggle with me, hugging me and when I left the girls at the desk were giggeling. Such happy but a little scary news!

I went to R's work to tell him the news and show him the scan. We haven't been sleeping very well because of all the changes that are coming, and there are some things that make us both worry a bit. R instantly started to laugh too. And hasn't stopped ever since. Besides that we had a great sleep. Under two sets of tiny little red and pink striped socks...

Pups and horses

2005-11-07T15:12:00.000+13:00

The pups are 6 weeks old now. Easy to remember as I am 6 weeks pregnant now (beta hcg is 48443 today). They are in that O-So-Cute stage, racing around, biting in your fingers. When I come home they all jump up and down. Happy little boys....

Yesterday we went to our new farm to talk to the old guy we bought it from. He's moving to China. We agreed I'll have his old horse as well. We'll call him Bert, after his old owner. So now I have two horses: Harry and Bert. But I'm not allowed to ride... Hope they'll get along!

Hard to believe

2005-11-01T19:41:00.000+13:00

It's so hard to believe this is happening. We got the farm! Yeah, we got the money in just an hour before the deadline! Within two years after moving 18000 km over the planet I've found a husband, got pregnant and bought a property with land. I feel so rich I'm overwhelmed by it. After having him for 8 years I'll finally be able to see my horse from my bedroom window! And everytime I get excited I get nausea. Time to try to relax and show you some pictures....

Day 21

2005-10-31T22:15:00.000+13:00

Beta HCG levels are rising wel:
Day 13: 200
Day 18: 2122
Day 21: 6317

Shrinking is scary

2005-10-30T13:25:00.000+13:00

Imagine you wanted to be pregnant really badly. And overnight you transform from slim to huge, looking 5 months pregnant and feeling pretty sick by lunchtime. That would sort of make you feel pretty good in a funny way, wouldn't it? Especially when hpt and bloodtests show that YOU ARE actually pregnant.

What would happen a week later when all of a sudden your tummy is shrinking and you are starting to feel pretty normal again? Right... You freak out, just a little bit. I have a hard time to believe I am and will stay pregnant today. I don't trust this situation for one bit.

The good news is... Tuesday 2 pm the housing issue will be sorted out. If by that time our buyers' money has arrived from Britain we can overrule the cash buyers unconditional offer on the little farm we are after. Exciting times!

Levels are rising

2005-10-28T14:54:00.000+13:00

While I am slowly shrinking, my levels are rising. Moods are not too bad, just tired in the afternoons. Progesterone is 127 now which means I can wean myself of the pussypills. HCG levels are 2122. That sounds high for a day 18. Doubling time is 36 hours. Who has experience with these levels? When can I know that it's single or twins?? My levels fall of the charts on the sites I know... My first scan will be at 7 weeks. Around the 14th of November.

We've been having such a stressful time. The IVF, the OHSS, and on top of that trying to sell the house with the most hopeless real estate guy ever. Yesterday all of a sudden it looked like we had a buyer and everything would turn out fine.

Today the situation complicated. A cash buyer has snatched our little farm with an unconditional offer. At first it seemed we would make it to complete the sale of our house in time, but our stupid cock of a real estate guy has screwed the deal. Now it seems very unlikely we can do anything about it. I feel gutted. I was so looking forward to moving to the country. With my babies, dogs, horses and what ever I was going to buy/rescue/breed.

Gutted.

Relief

2005-10-27T14:20:00.000+13:00

Today my body is finally starting to shrink a bit. OHSS is horrible. The last week I've felt so sick I couldn't even be completely happy with the positive test.

Today it's just as if the sun breaks through. I feel a deep sense of relief and letting go. Relief that the tension in my belly is breaking. Relief this IVF is over (although I still go in for scans and bloodtests every other day). Relief that my infertile year has come to an end.

And gratefulness that a little alien has invaded my body! Or maybe two!

Ofcourse a whole new set of anxieties are ready to sneak in my system. But for now I'm fine and hopeful and optimistic.

Tomorrow I'll have another hcg and progesterone test.

For Thalia

2005-10-25T17:21:00.000+13:00

I've been wondering before how you managed to be a full on professional and be this active in the blogsphere. You write long entries, collect and maintain all your links. You keep up to date, support and respond a lot of other bloggrls. You're truly amazing!

But it's good you wrote your confession the other day. Yes, ofcourse you are obsessing. The obsession is the part of the infertility that makes it so bloody painful. I've had lots of days of just obsessive browsing... (I use your link list to satisfy these obsessional days). I work from home, so there is no one to tell me to stop...

I recognise what you're saying. That you need a community of people that understand your biggest sorrow. And those people simply cannot be your collegues or clients. You don't meet women that go through this by accident at work or in the supermarket or the gym. What makes internet so great is that it's so much easier to meet like minded people than in real life.

Before I discovered the blogs on infertility I felt very isolated in my pain. I didn't know any one with ectopics or infertility or going through ivf. Just reading the stories in archives of blogs (ofcoure starting with Julie and Tertia) helped me a lot. After starting to write my own blog it helped me to know that there were some women out there thinking of me, like you and Mona. And I think about you too. I don't know if it helps, but I truly do.

If everything works out with my pregnancy my infertility lasted for exactly one year. This has been the most challenging and painful year in my life. All in all I haven't achieved much (anything) this year. So be it. If everything goes well I don't expect I will make brilliant work coming years either. It's just impossible to want everything.

I don't think you should give up the support you get from the internet. Maybe it works to set a limited time for blogging to get the obsession part a bit more under control. (Just in the evenings, or just two hours per day or so). Or make a selection of the girls you actively follow and support.

And... don't blame it all on the blog obsession. Just being on the hormones and the stress of the treatment are majorly distracting anyway. Don't expect to give a nice presentation in the days after your egg collection... And please don't plan anything important in the 2ww. I underestimated that a lot. Even needing to go to the hospital was a welcome distraction!!

The way I experience it is that communication through the internet can be very real. But it might be fun to meet some real women out there as well. I just picked up a flyer at my fertility clinic the other day for a coffee meeting. I might go there anyway.

I hope everything goes ok with your stimulation and your E levels!

heleen

I'm pregnant!!

2005-10-24T10:04:00.000+13:00

Yeah, the good news is that I'm pregnant! With beta hcg of 200 on day 13... My Sunday doctor said that that's a very good number, no one has mentioned the word twins yet... I'm very happy, but totally uncomfortable, bloated, tired and sore.

Before the testresults came back I peed on a stick. There was a + instantly. This is the third time I'm pregnant this year. But I've never seen a test give such a nice clear and instant result. It feels quite unreal. And when I mention the word twins everybody just start to giggle. Even my mum....

I look like I'm 5 months pregnant. My waist grew from 75 to 92 cm. My left ovary is 12.5 cm. On the scan you could see cavities filled with 8 cm fluid... I think my body is stretching up a bit because it doesn't hurt as much as it did. Walking, sitting and lying down is all quite uncomfortable. What makes it hurts most is when air can't escape from my bowels. No more onions for me.

I'm back from the hospital. I had my own room with a great view over the city and Rangitoto, the vulcano in the harbour. It took them 6 tries to get an IV in. The drip contained gelatine, made from cow bones, didn't they have a vege-drip? I have to take aspirin and wear stockings. But that was all they could do for me at this stage. So far I'm a moderate case of OHSS. Lucky me. Not full enough to drain me.

As I didn't get much worse and my kidney and liver functions were stabile I could go home. I hang around at home now and go into town for daily bloodtests. More details later....

I'm in hospital

2005-10-20T15:41:00.000+13:00

Hello!
My gyn examined me. My ovaries are 10+cm and there's more than 4cm fluid in my abdominal cavity. I gained almost 2 kg and feel nausea and out of breath. Nobody expected this as my estrogen level at collection was only 6000, way below the dangerzone.

So now I'm packing my bag to go to hospital. It will be a bit boring I think. No internet connection!! Funny detail: R's exwife works at that department in that hospital. She didn't know that we were trying....

Anyway, talk to you when I'm back...
By then we'll know if I'm pregnant.
But my hopes are up :-)

OHSS

2005-10-20T08:19:00.000+13:00

To distract me from my emotional misery some physical misery started yesterday after lunch. I started to swell up. First I thought it was caused by the onions on the panini I just had. I felt very full. As the day progressed I started to look more and more like a big fat sea-elephant! My belly doesn't look pregnant, it looks more like a giant toddler belly. Cute! Not!

When I walk I notice my breath is shorter than normal. Going for wee really hurts (especially the first bit), but the colour is normal. I'm thirsty, crampy, full, faint and nauseas (somebody please explain how to use the word 'nausea' - I might need it more often and English is not my native language). But the worst part of it I can only sleep on my back half upright on a pile of pillows. Any other position and my whole insides are getting squashed.

I feel a bit better and less bloated now in the morning, but I'm pretty sure I'll start to balloon again pretty soon. Left a message for my nurses. I haven't put on a lot of weight strangely enough.

I vaguely recall somebody saying that OHSS particularly happens at this stage when you're pregnant, so I'll pencil it down in the column 'Good Signs'.

Anybody out there with tips and tricks??

Nothing to freeze

2005-10-19T09:28:00.000+13:00

Lucky me I don't have a lot of readers, so I don't have to apologise to many that again, this is a wayning, sad, miserable entry.

I was expecting it: None of the left over embies has made it to blast. They have been trying hard, the lady in the lab said, and wished me luck with the once they gave me.

Mood is going up and down, but lately more down. Going to sleep crying, I dreamt that I had my period and everything was soaked in blood. Then I couldn't sleep anymore. I listened to the night birds in the bush and to R's reassuring breathing but still felt low and horrible.

Waking up crying as well. And everytime R says something really nice or sweet I crack up even more.

What makes it very hard for me is that both times I was pregnant I felt all kind of stuff going on from a very early stage. (Very likely caused by the embies hatching in my tubes...) Now I don't feel anything. And all the signs caused by the hcg trigger and the retrieval are fading. Slowly my body gets back to it's old (not so curvey) shape. That's awful!! Instead of starting to feel stuff the signs are fading away. My head can't cope with that.

I was warned for becoming 'teary' on the ivf hormones. The whole month I didn't cry once! And now I'm just on the progesteron pussy pills and I'm dripping all the time. Something in me just can't believe I could be pregnant. It's all doom and gloom. I don't want the 2ww to end, it could mean I the bad news. Or should I say: that's when I get the bad news. I just don't know how I will cope with that, where I'll find strength to get over it again.

Signs

2005-10-18T13:35:00.000+13:00

Last night I woke up and felt my legs and arms were very heavy and relaxed. In my head I had a sort of noise like snow on tv. Maybe a bit weird, but those things I've felt when I was pregnant before. I couldn't sleep for a while, but woke up very happy this morning. Ofcourse going back in my worry mode after breakfast, but not half as bad as yesterday.

Thanks for your help last night, Thalia. The remark that there is no place better for my embryos than inside me really eased my mind. Lots of love, Heleen

Lost

2005-10-17T08:35:00.000+13:00

There are things going on in my body, but I can't say if they are still side effects from IVF, side effects for the progesteron pessaries or maybe... My belly feels very heavy. I've had some cramps, but that might be just my bowels. In the evenings I'm very bloated, in the morning it's much less. I'm very tired, especially in my legs and head. Breasts are not so sore anymore.

I read about the 2WW, that it would be hard. I didn't expect it to be this hard. All in all I feel terrible. My mind is searching for changes in my body constantly, trying to feel every single cell of it in the hope to find my little embryos. Last time I saw them they were two little diamonds on a petri dish. Now they feel so lost.

I feel lost. Running around in a big black forest, searching for my babies. I cannot find them anywhere. Screaming, crying, howling. I'm so tired.

Enlightenment

2005-10-16T10:04:00.000+13:00

I have to sit with it. I have to surrender to it. Every resistence makes it worse. Like being caught in a net under water. The more I struggle the more entangled I get. Choking. Drowning.

I used to trust my body. I loved the feeling of becoming pregnant, not just once but twice. To become pregnant the second time we believed it would work and we made it happen. The feeling of ectopic pregnancies not going anywhere has been devastating. Resulting in me not trusting my body anymore. Not believing that there is a chance in hell that this will work.

In the morning I look at the wheat grass I've sown. Sprouting, hatching, growing. Just needing some sun and water and soil. Simple! Wishing in my body it was as simple as that. Maybe it is. Will I ever get used to the feeling of being this powerless, this out of control?

If I could choose between becoming enlightened or becoming a mother I would still choose to become a mother. I don't know why my path is to practice so much patience.

The Top Twins

2005-10-13T13:16:00.000+13:00

R couldn't come with me today, he had loads of other things to do, like signing the contract for our (maybe) new house and he had loads of clients. My friend M came with me to the clinic. She has very short hair and everybody always think she's lesbian. I could see on the faces of the doctors and nurses some question marks, we thought that was very funny.

You know, blokes are great and sweet and you love them to bits, but girls can be so good to have around. M and me were giggeling through out the whole process and the nurses and the gyn, everybody joined the joking and laughing. (About me talking about wodka during my egg collection?!)

The serious part: one 12 cell, one 8 cell goodlooking embryos. The other ones a bit less developed or more fragmented. The embryologist will give them till Saturday, then she'll decide if there are any good enough for freezing. She explained to me that this is a very normal average outcome and that less than 50% percent of all cycles have embryos left over good enough to freeze.

For a short moment I was a bit dissapointed. Then I was just happy with my two. We had a short talk about putting one or two back. If I think I could cope with twins. What I don't like about it is being a medical case during the pregnancy and birth so you can't have a home birth, something I really would like. But just thinking about that seems going much too far too quickly...

Chances are better with two. So I got two. They looked lovely. 2 little balls consisting of more little balls.

Putting them back was a breeze. I could see the lining of the uturus on the screen. A little tube was pushed in and as deep and far as possible the embyos were released. I could see the comparison with the 'jam sandwich', there is no hollow space in the womb at all! Just two layers and my little balls of cells must be nice and snug in between them right at the far end.

Good to know, but still I was hesitant to get up. The idea of moving around and going to the toilet felt a bit dangerous. I think I wanted to lie there for 9 months. Having all those people around me to be responsible for my embryos, make it all work out and cheer me on 24/7... But no, now the embryos themselves, nature, fate, god and my body have to do the rest to make it work.

Everybody wished me luck. No horseriding, swimming or sweating... All of a sudden I was outside again. The whole thing was over before I knew it. On our way back I felt high. I could hardly hear what M was saying. Completely overwhelmed by the whole situation.

We went for lunch and a walk with the dogs. I have to get on with life now. I'll try not to think about it all the time. Yeah right.

So sad

2005-10-13T08:15:00.000+13:00

On the morning before embryo replacement I read Ova girl's bad news. I feel so sad, I shouldn't have read it. I want to be positive, but sometimes it's so hard. I don't know how my embryos are doing. I'm scared, there might not be any left...

I gotta go to the clinic now, wish me luck...

Mother of 7

2005-10-11T09:01:00.000+13:00

The embryologist called. 7 eggs fertilised, 6 definitely not and 1 ambivalent. I'm all shakey about loosing the 6. In the end I only need one I tell myself, but still.... I hope so that the 7 will be good.

Today I'm the mother of 7.
Isn't that amazing!

14 eggs and a sample

2005-10-10T18:23:00.000+13:00

We had to get up early to be in the clinic at 7.30. R had breakfast while I slept some more, had a shower and got dressed. Before we left just two more things to do: take three panadol and make the sperm jump from. R's body into the container with the pink lid.

R is always pretty much in control over his parts, so I didn't expect the sperm part of the story to be a problem. It's egg collection day, that's a complicated procedure. Sperm retrieving is supposed to be the easy fun part, no? The bit that usually needs a bit discouragement to keep the fun last a bit longer, no? We tried (just a little bit) and I thought it was going allright. Then R stopped: I don't have it in me, I can't, I won't, we don't have time, we gotta go. Ok, off to the clinic. Guys and stress...

In the clinic everybody was very sweet as usual. We met the nurse who would take care of me, my gyn who would retrieve the eggs and the embryologist, a very competent and serious looking lady scientist. The gyn eased R's worries (sort of :-). If you can't produce a sample there are several options: you can go home and bring it in later, you can take some viagra (hey wait THAT's not the problem!) and if all fails we can always take it out with a needle... (I tried to laugh not too loud, but somehow I thought that was very funny).

Hmmm, the drugs were lovely. I felt them kicking in, first in my legs and taking me over within some secs. Reminding me of good old days.

I do remember a little bit. A bit of pain. R being there and holding my left hand. A bit of poking around. I was moaning a bit and I'd hear someone say: give her more drugs. I remember them doing my left side. Then the right, I don't recall. I wanted to squeeze something with my right hand. I think somebody held my hand. It was over very quickly. I asked for a wodka.

14 eggs. I slept for an hour or so. Hospital beds are so comfy, I just turned around and slept some more. R was there when I wake up. He went to the toilet and came back and showed me.... the pink container full with his part of the deal! I thanked him and said it was a lovely and great gift. I had a coffee and something to eat. We left. I paid. I felt fine.

14 eggs. The embryologist will call me tomorrow how many are fertilized. 14 eggs. Not enough to have more kids then my great grandma, she had 16... 14 eggs. 4 days transfer on Thursday.

At home I slept a bit more. No pain in my ovaries, but very nasty cramps at the inside of my tailbone. I wanted to go to the toilet but trying was very painful and I broke out in sweat and almost fainted. R didn't hear me, he was hovering. Anyway, practical tip for other girls: try to have a shit before retrieval. Saves you from a painful experience later in the day...

It's now 10 hours after retrieval. I wonder how our little cells are doing in their little glass beds. R and me, so very close together for always, in a dividing cell. Unbelievable cosmic mystery.

I wasn't supposed to be alone, but in the evening R thought he could go out for a while. I was fixing something to eat in the kitchen and write this story at the same time. Oops, I almost burnt the house down whilst cooking. So that's why I can't be left alone. I feel quite clear but my head obviously doesn't work properly after these drugs!

I start to feel more like myself again now my own hormones are allowed to be in charge of my body. I was a bit tearful later in the afternoon. About little things. Just feeling very soft inside. I cried over Susan's blog. I don't know if my eggs are any good, but I wish I could give her some.

The last several weeks were not too bad. Just a bit tired. But underneath that, on a very abstract and untangible level IVF hormones subtly disrupt how you perceive everyday life and who you are. It's such a weird idea there's a chance I can be pregnant in some days. More hormone changes. Wow, I wish I could take a little hormonal break! I try to go with the flow, not let it get to me.

When I read in the papers how easily journalists write about pre implantation diagnostics, cloning, embryo selection and genetic manipulation I think they're not realising that in the end it's not all that simple.

GE Chinese Hamsters fucked me up

2005-10-09T21:08:00.000+13:00

Did you know that Gonal-f and Ovidrel are made from stuff derived from genetic manipulated Chinese hamster ovary cells? Gosh I wish I hadn't find out before I had to take the trigger shot. But ok, I've done all the prework, so what can I do? Say that I don't agree with GE or the use of animals? I bravely took the shot at a dinner party, the syringe was blunt as, I really had to bang it in! But as this was my 41st injection I didn't mind too much.

Anyway, 10 minutes later I had a terrible allergic reaction. Not to the Chinese hamster, but to the asparagus I ate. Itchy everywhere, especially my esophagus and eyes. And that was on top of the discomfort I was going through anyway. My ovaries are just sitting in the way, especially when I'm sitting on chairs.

In the car back R and I got a major fight. The stress was coming out of my ears by then. All in all I felt terribly upset and shakey. In bed I had strange visions of a claustrophobic underwater world with fishy monsters and I felt the need to be held and comforted. All of a sudden I just felt like during my first ectopic. Just plain scared. And very much let down.

We made up.
I woke up feeling like a porn star. Good old Chinese hamsters! Good to stir up those little spermies a day before we let them out to do their business. I loooove not having to shoot the Buserelin!

Tomorrow is the big day! Scary!

Ready!!

2005-10-08T11:13:00.000+13:00

Another scan. My own gyn did it. She is really sweet and ultimately positive. You're doing so well, these follicles look so good, gorgeous lining you have there and we'll have many beautifull eggs on monday. How much cheering on can you get? I love it, I desperately need it.

R didn't bother to go in the scan room. What's the matter with him, the gyn asked. Ah, I said, it's a bloke... He's still in his grumpy mode. I'm dealing with it a bit better today. Mainly because I know now when my retrieval is.

So tonight it's trigger night.
Monday is egg retrieval day.

Thanks Thalia for your info, Good to hear I'm well within range. My nurse has also explained a bit more about the E2 levels. Every mature egg will make about 1000 pg/mol. And the levels double every 48 hours. When I hear todays levels I'll post it here.

The Not Knowing

2005-10-07T10:42:00.000+13:00

What did I write yesterday? That I was doing ok? Well, I must have felt it coming: the Big Hormonal Meltdown. I feel so awful today! Tired, wobbly feeling in my legs, restless, and completely insecure about IVF.

I wanted to find out a bit more about the E2 levels and I browsed and browsed on the internet and I find nothing that gives me some good info. Just horror stories about OHSS and conflicting figures and details. On top of that different countries measure E2 in different ways, so I still know absolutely nothing after hours of searching while I should be working my ass of. The Big Not Knowing is really getting to me.

So if the nurses are right and I am not in danger for OHSS than it must be that my dozens of follicles are not maturing yet. Gosh I really don't feel like going on for much longer. I so hope I have the retreival on Monday. When I walk around I want to hold my belly as I feel my ovaries wobbeling up and down. I'm not too badly bloated although my body doesn't have a very feminine shape anymore.

R is not nice to me. When I feel like this I just can't figure out if I'm imagining that or that he is really a grumpy bastard. He doesn't talk much but when the phone rings he is all chatty and nice and laughing. I hate that when I'm like this. I want him to be totally nice to me, or else I'll try to make a fight and then cry my brain out after. You recognise this feeling? It all feels absolutely shitty today.

To complete the insecurities: our offer on the farm has been accepted but we haven't found one single buyer for our house yet. So we don't even know where we will be living. I can't work; no concentration, I'm all over the place. R and me both worry about money.

Abundance

2005-10-06T17:05:00.000+13:00

R came with me to the clinic where I had my first scan today. Usually I don't mind undressing in a doctor's room but with him there it felt a little bit akward. I managed to slip under the blanket just in time.

Condom, jelly... put the thing in there. Instantly the whole screen was full of follicles. No kidding. The doctor measured a few, counted a few, moved around a bit and then started to laugh. They just kept on popping up on screen. There's heaps, there's abundance. I'm doing great he said, but we have to take care not to hyperstimulate.

After I got home the nurse called me with the results from my bloodtest and the new plan. Oestrogen levels are not too high (2433). So they don't think I'm in risk of OHSS and want me to continue on the same dose of Gonal-f for two more days.

Saturday another scan and bloodtest. I still hope I can trigger in the weekend and have the retrieval on Monday. I'm just getting a bit sick and tired of the whole thing. Although I'm doing amazingly well.

I have cried only once ever since I started the injections. I don't fight, I'm not grumpy or picky. I just feel weird, but emotionally very balanced, on the verge of deadly boring. IVF makes me a nicer person :-)

Wait until I am pregnant, experience learns I then go completely nuts. Must be different hormones, the ones that make me drive other people around the bend... I guess.

Wow I do feel it today!

2005-10-04T14:53:00.000+13:00

The blood test results came back fine; I'm right on schedule. This means I'll be injecting the same dose of 150 IU Gonal-f for two more nights. Another bloodtest and a scan are scheduled on Thursday.

The nurse couldn't tell me yet when I'll have the trigger injection or when the egg collection will be. That all depends on the size of my follicles. So they might be able to tell after the scan. Today I feel exactly where my ovaries are in my belly. I never knew they were so high up! And they are cramping a bit, and when they do I get a bit nauseous and light in my head.

On one hand it's exciting that at least I feel something is happening down there, but on the other hand it's a bit scary. I hope everything will go allright, cause if this continues to develop like it's doing now I'm worried I'll be exploding tomorrow!

The 900 Gonal-f pen should be finished by now (6 days of 150 IU). Strange, there is still some stuff left in there, roughly another 150 IU shot, but you can't really say how much is in there and the last bit also contains an air bubble. A bit expensive stuff just to throw out. I paid NZ$660 (US$450) for that pen...

I don't feel anything

2005-10-03T08:28:00.000+13:00

Monday morning. I am so tired! As soon as I get up I want to go back to bed. And I'm yawning all day. Climbing up the stairs feel like mountaineering. But I don't feel much going on in my belly. Is that normal after 5 days of stimulation?
Tomorrow a bloodtest, maybe that will give me some answers. Zzzzzzzzzzz

Stim day 3

2005-10-01T13:06:00.000+12:00

Yesterday our friend M called, at 5 AM, that her man E was in hospital with a pneumonia and that he was very likely going to die. E is only 42 and has a very fast developing form of MS.

When we got to know them about 4 months ago he was in a wheelchair but could still move both his hands. Now he can only move his head, and he even has problems speaking. When he was brought in to the hospital in the middle of the night he could hardly breathe and he told that he didn't want to be treated. Not even antibiotics. Just some air and morphine. A brave thing to do.

When the four of us became friends something changed me. Looking at E made my problems and suffering feel insignificant. Meeting M and E helped me to overcome my grief and depression caused by infertility. And M is just a lot of fun to hang out and do horsey & doggie things with.

So at 6 in the morning I was in the hospital, trying to be there for M while we were looking at poor E with his rasping breath and his oxygen mask. Once they had him stabilised E got a room on the top floor of the hospital, with a great view over the city and harbour. A lot of friends were visiting. It was almost like a little party and it lasted till late at night when the nurses kicked us out.

This morning M called. E wasn't going to die. He was pulling through. That is amazing. I am wondering if E will be really happy with this. I don't think I would if I couldn't move anymore with not much to look forward to.

Hope

2005-09-29T09:33:00.000+12:00

Last night I took my first shot of Gonal-f, ...at least I think I did. It's not a big deal, in fact it is a very small deal! It was such a super tiny amount that after I was really worried that I didn't inject anything. Hm, I'll try to see tonight if something actually goes in my body.

I am one of the very lucky people on this planet that hardly ever have headaches. But Tuesday I suffered from side effects of the Buserelin and it felt as if my puitiary glands were about to pop out of my skull. Not a pleasant feeling.

Lucky me I had an acupuncture session scheduled. The acupuncture guy is really good. He is a bit weird, but what he does works very well. So in half an hour my brain felt it got back to its original size.

The acupuncture guy asked me if I ever experience my belly being colder than my chest. I said no, I don't think so, why? He said that some infertile women have that and that it's related with problems with the blood circulation.

Then I said: I don't consider myself infertile, I just have blocked tubes. Later I thought about what I'd said and was happy I feel that way. For a while I really struggled with the idea of being infertile. Somehow I felt it was part of who I was and it made me incredibly sad. But I guess I went through all kind of stages of mourning and depression and anger and I came out allright. Well at least for now, because I have hope.

Besides hope I have nice things to look forward to. We made an offer on the house we want to buy. It's a little farm and it's right on the edge of a forest. I've always wanted something like that where I can have the horses at home and some other animals and chicken and a vegie garden.

The first time I talked to R he asked me about my dreams. And I said a nice man, a baby, a piece of land, the horse at home and broadband. The nice man I definitely have. Our wedding is in March with lots of people from Europe coming over. The baby and the piece of land are in the making. It feels all very possible at the moment. The problem will be getting broadband in the country. I'm going to be on satellite!

I really anticipated a period of depression and misery as side effects of the drugs. I used to get very emotional and depressed when I was on the pill. That's why I chose for an IUD and that's how my tubes got damaged. But I must say that up till now my emotions are very stable.

The only thing that feels unreal are my changed sexual feelings. It feels like I can't even remember having sex ever in my life. Holding a hard cock in my hand feels just the same as holding someone's foot?! Wow, now that is weird. Hope it comes back soon! I'll have an immaculate conception :-)

Downregulated

2005-09-27T11:52:00.000+12:00

Yay! I made it to my first bloodtest! The results showed low hormones which means I am downregulated enough to start the Gonal-F tomorrow. Next goal is to stimulate the follies....

My friends T & W

2005-09-23T13:37:00.004+12:00

My friends T & W were TTC for quite a while, slowly discovering problem after problem: Slow semen, short luteal phase, polyps and both not so very young anymore. Their first cycle didn't work. They had one frozen embie that didn't wake up for FET...

They just went through their second IVF cycle. They retrieved a disappointing 5 eggs. 4 of which fertilised with ISCI and now it's two weeks later and guess what..... She's pregnant!!!! And they have embies in the fridge.

This is very encouraging. I feel so relieved and happy! I hope everything will work out for them.

More happy news from fertility land: My stepdog has had three white woolie puppies. That a tiny little dog can have such huge babies?! Incredible.

My little raft

2005-09-19T13:51:00.000+12:00

Do you ever have that, that you can't stop reading IF blogs? How annoying is that! I must try to do something else today.... In a way I get sick of all these stories about cramps, laps, ISCI, MCs, spotting, etc. IFblogging is an ocean of sorrow and sadness and today I feel I'm floating in the middle of it trying to hold on to my little IVF raft.

It's hard to keep the faith that it's possible to have a healthy pregancy/baby one day when you read all of this on a daily basis.

* Day 10 *

2005-09-18T16:19:00.000+12:00

Today is my day 10 drug shooting anniversary... Up till now things are going pretty well. So far I've had:

• 1 hot flush
• 1 day of moody emotional breakdowns
• some weight gain
• 2 sore tits
• tiredness and sleepiness

On the leaflet it says 'levels reaching the castrate range after 2 tot 4 weeks'. That might explain why my sex drive was gone. Fortunately the feeling of being sexless has gone now. My body is adjusting. The main side effect is that I am very tired in a sleepy way.

One week till the downregulation bloodtest.

Reincarnation

2005-09-14T14:54:00.000+12:00

Every injection is one less, so in a funny way I'm looking forward to taking the next. I'm starting to feel the effect. It's difficult to get up in the morning. I am soooo tired. And hungry! My moods are not too bad, maybe a bit more sentimental than usual. The emotion 'I really really really need a baby' is bank in technicolor. That's good, at least I know why I am doing this...

Two girls on my blog list have had their babies. Everything healthy and fine. Good on you girls and congrats with Abigail Ethan and Madelin.

I have weird dreams lately. Last night I gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl. We were in hospital. The baby boy started to talk to me, he said in a loud and low voice: 'Mother!?'. Everybody in the room looked up, shocked. Then the baby said: I am a 53 year old man and just now I was looking where I parked my car. And all of a sudden I end up here! Wow, imagine reincarnation worked like that. That would make you think twice about having kids!

day two three four

2005-09-12T09:12:00.000+12:00

A good tip for injecting: Look with the needle for a place on your skin where you don't feel it and push it in at that spot. That way you inject in between the nerves. Personally I didn't notice any difference between injecting it cold (from the fridge) or at room temperature.

Ofcourse I am on the outlook for side effects. Up till now it's going well. I've had some moments of nausea, but I'm prone to motion sickness anyway and I was trying to do a Sudoku puzzle while driving through town. That wasn't a very good idea.

This weekend I felt tired. A strange and drowsy, yawny kind of tiredness. I feel heavy in my arms and legs. Like I've done 100 lenghts in the swimmingpool.

Something else weird: I can't find sexual feelings in my body. It's a subtle change but fairly obvious on a sunday morning.

Anybody here with experiences with Buserelin?

We're thinking about moving to a piece of land where I can have my horse at home and get more animals and have no neighbours. We had a look at a place and we're tempted to buy. The house itself is not too great, but it's nice land, not too far from town and on the edge of a forest! I've dreamt about something like that all of my life.

All of a sudden it feels like quite a scary thing to do. Because we have to get a homeloan while we don't have very steady incomes. Also as if I can't chase two dreams at the same time. My whole mind is focussed on getting pregnant. I can't focus very well on my work either. Or keeping my social life going. Who said women were good at multitasking?

It's easy

2005-09-09T08:43:00.000+12:00

This morning I had to take my first shot. I had a coffee and a shower to make sure I was awake enough to inject the right stuff in the right dose. Then I read all the brochures that came in my little suitcase. The leaflet of the Buserelin was particularly useful: Meds for testicular cancer.

I filled the tiny little syringe, let the air out. And then I sat down for a while, thinking: Am I really going to do this? There is something strange about sticking needles in your skin. Your body tells you to wait and think it over one more time.

Then I stuck it in my skin and emptied it. I didn't even feel it! Easy.
That's it for today.

Little suitcase full of drugs

2005-09-08T08:46:00.000+12:00

I've got the drugs! They came in a little black suitcase.
Wait...
«I'll show you:

It seems all fairly simple and straightforward. Tomorrow I start with Buserelin in the morning, followed in a few weeks with Gonal F in the evening. The Gonal F comes in a pen, so no mixing of powders and no mess.

I don't have problems with needles, so I think I'll be allright. I read a blog from an eggdonor. She does this for money! Incredible... I think I'm going to try to stay cool about the whole IVF thing as long as possible. I bet my moods will go slightly crazy. At least the hormones of the pill used to have that effect on me. I've warned the people around me...

You know what feels strange? I've had so much pain and grief the last year with my ectopics and discovering that it would be very unlikely for me to get pregnant the natural way. I went through intense grief and sadness for quite a while. At the core of my pain was the deep and urgent longing for a baby.

At the moment the pain and grief are much less. Probably because of the hope that's created by starting IVF. With the grief almost gone the longing for a baby also feels less intense. IVF feels such a rational thing to do. A bit cold. Medicalised. But I know if IVF fails I have to go through that pain again, the ultimate craving for a baby.

I really wish I could get pregnant a little less conscious....

IF made me healthy

2005-09-05T08:55:00.000+12:00

I've always tried to live healthy to some extend. I've been a vegetarian for almost all my life. Organic stuff attracts me more than fast-food and I'm not a big sweet addict. I exercise, or should I say: My animals exercise me, they make sure I stay fit. I do yoga. I have turned into a boring lentille cruncher!

Since I moved from drizzly grubby Amsterdam to the lovely outskirts of Auckland, the fresh sea air, the blue skies and since I changed the single partytime life (and the chemicals that go with it) to the regular and homely almost-married life and giving up smoking, I became super healthy :-)

Then IF came along. Before that I'd never been to a doctor or hospital for anything more serious than an infected throat, a dog bite, or a horse that stepped on my foot. Chemotherapy, numerous courses of antibiotics, anaesthectics, painkillers and the accompanying feelings of depression didn't do me or my body much good.

Time went by. At the moment I am very healthy again. I hardly cry anymore. Going to an acupuncturist and herbalist also helped. They helped me to reduce PMS to 0. The herbalist gave me lots of vitamins and some diet advice. Now I eat less carbs and more protein and omega-3 fats. I should eat more vegetables and less fruit, but that's a hard one. My skin is better than ever. I am never tired anymore. I sleep like a rose. I gained a little wait, but that's ok because I'll have something to inject in.

In fact I feel so healthy it frustrates me. I have the most regular periods. When I ovulate I have beautiful cervical mucus that lasts for days. R has great sperm.

I just have stupid blocked tubes.

Last weekend was the last chance for Sperm and Egg to meet the natural way. Saturday evening: 'Darling, there has been an accident in the tunnel, there is a big traffic jam, I think I'm gonna be a bit late!' Monday morning. Egg completely dissapointed. 'He said he would come and get me, but never showed up...'

Counting down

2005-09-01T07:41:00.000+12:00

Today is the first day of spring. I'm counting down the days till IVF. Seven days before I start the hormones.

One of the reasons I started this blog was because I noticed I didn't talk much anymore. Since my ectopics last year I slowly but gradually stopped talking to other people but R. I also lost a great part of my creativity. I am much more passive than before and slightly obsessive. Sometimes I start to read other peoples blogs about IF and I can't stop. That's bad for my work as I work from home and there is nobody to check on me. Lucky me, there's nobody to fire me either.

I don't know many people in this side of the planet yet. Most of my friends are at home in Europe and I can only talk to them by email or phone. But I got sick of talking about my sadness. And I didn't want to bore anyone with it. So I stopped calling and mailing. And when I am feeling good I don't want to call them either because they will ask about it. That's really sweet, but especially when I feel good I don't want to talk about my infertility.

So I started a blog. I won't bore anyone here cause hardly anyone reads it, and the people that do are probably in a similar situation. And obsessed like me. Now I just need to find the discipline and creativity to write in it. Maybe it will be easier once the cycle has started. This waiting does my head in...

I have a stepdog. It's a mini maltese terrier and she is very pregnant. Her belly is huge and she has still three weeks to go! I don't think the 'real mothers' of the dog will let her have her pups here, but it would be nice to distract me. At first the thought that she was pregnant was quite painful, but taking care of this little pregnant soul is doing something positive to my pain. I don't want to become bitter, whatever happens to me and she is helping me with that.

Itenarary

2005-08-23T13:36:00.000+12:00

It is really going to happen. I just talked to the clinic. It felt a bit like talking to the travel agency.

Buserelin injections start on Friday the 9th of September. R will get an insight in what life with me will be like in 15 years as I'll go through something like menopause.

From wednesday 28 September I'll be on Gonal F. Do you feel a bit better when you start taking that?
From the 4th of October onwards I'll have bloodtests and scans.
Eggcollection is expected to take place in the week of Monday 10 October.

I feel my throat slightly tightening....

~~3 weeks~~ 17 days left to get accustomed to the idea.

Blood bond - day 2

2005-08-22T09:35:00.000+12:00

Our IVF adventures start here. On day 2 of my cycle. Sunday afternoon R and I went to the hospital to get some blood tests done. For him HIV and for me HIV and hormones. I just had a weird thought. Imagine the unthinkable happened and the bloodtests came back positive.... Well, that would definitely change the theme of the blog....

I am looking forward to the whole IVF thing now. The people I have to deal with are friendly and nice. R is very supportive and I feel pretty good myself. There is a change I'll be pregnant end of October. I feel some kind of shivers run over my back when I think about that!

This weekend I read the article in the Herald 'What price pregnancy?'. The article was suggesting that the commercial fertility businesses ease women's minds to have children late in life with the idea ART will get them pregnant if it doesn't work the natural way. Something in the tone of voice of that article that irritated me. As if women wait till they're 37+ on purpose because they honestly believe that doctors will guarantee they'll have a baby at 39.

I have never met a woman, not in the 'real' world or online, that said 'I thought having children could wait because of the new technology'. I do know women, like me, that needed a lot of time to finally find somebody they wanted kids with. Or they are still looking and thinking about freezing their eggs. I wasn't sure I'd make it in time. Now I feel blessed I have found my man, just in time, and that technology might be advanced enough to get me pregnant. I would have needed the same help 13 years ago, when my tubes got damaged. But thankfully IVF has now much better results compared to when I was 24.

Who the f*** is your Auntie

2005-08-19T17:34:00.000+12:00

On the internet so many girls write about their infertility it seems to be an integrated part of being infertile! I even think it's the only fun thing of IF! I have a *theme*, so I can write a blog :-) IFBlogging comes with a whole new language and a long list of abbreviations. The medical terms like IUI, IVF, HCG, LMP, SET, FET but also the words that are often used and it's too much hassle to type all the letters like PG, TTC, HPT, OPK, RE, DPO. Not so good for SEO not to use the whole word...

Then there are abbs that are so stupid. Like AF and DH.

But I am not so in the mood to write why I think these words are so stupid. Because I have my period. I am bleeding. My new cycle has started.

IVF starts here. No more trying for the normal and easy way. No, we're going the hard horrible expensive annoying and humiliating way that makes you feel bad and sick and grumpy.

Did you know how much it costs to fly a 600 kg horse 20,000 kilometers over the panet? I did that last year... Now I need a 10 cm trip for my 0.1 mm egg. A detour for my damaged fallopian tube. I'm happy to tell that it's for only half the price!

Good Omen :: Bad Omen

2005-08-19T08:24:00.000+12:00

This morning... again..: NOTHING. Isn't that completely weird!? R told me this morning not to have that twinkle in my eye. He knows how high I can go and how deep I can fall. No expectations please, mrs D! But he is gone to work now so I can be as expectant as I like :-) Do all the funny stuff girls do when they're in the don't-know-yet stage, like looking at their tits in the mirror and trying to compare with what they saw just ten minutes ago....

Omen: Last night I received an invite for a bbq from an old collegue. I haven't heard from her since my last ectopic. Both first and second time pregnant (with ectopics) I went to (extremely boring) bbqs at her place just before I found out. Good omen if this means I am pregnant. Bad omen if it means I have another ectopic. That would mean my lovely gyn will take both my tubes out straight away. This month was their final chance to do their job properly anyway.

The lucky number in this case is 3. This could/would/should be my 3d pregnancy. I *always* get pregnant in the 3d cycle of trying. In the 3d cycle after R & I met (oops), in the 3d cycle after we were allowed trying again after the ectopic. And this cycle was the 3d after my second ectopic.

This month I haven't temped, I haven't used OPT's, so officially I don't really know what day I'm at. On Tuesday two and a half weeks ago I definitely felt my ovulation. I remember exercising my horse on a long reign and all of a sudden I felt PANGG!! on my right side. It lasted for some minutes. It made me a bit dizzy. I thought: Good! it's a right-side-month! I can expect more from my right than from my left side. On the left my ovary and tube were all entangled in adhesions, and the whole lot was pretty damaged. At the right at least my right overy was completely normal.

I make myself a very nice coffee. If I am pregnant I'll give it up so I'll extra enjoy this one.

And... You're right. Two days late is so much nicer than two days early. I am completely uncapable of doing anything useful, but am enjoying it a lot. I have a pregnancy test upstairs. I don't want to do it just yet, not to spoil the moment. It's almost like a pack of cigarets. It's itching in my brain.

Look here for some nice pictures of reproductive stuff under the microscope »

Two days late

2005-08-18T11:07:00.000+12:00

I am late. I am never late.

... Just when I want to get my period so I can call the clinic to tell them I'm going to start my ivf cycle this month. I want to go to the lab on day 3 and get my first bloodtest done. I'm not looking forward to the whole ivf thing, I just want to get it over with. I want to be a Newbie Barbie.

Theoretically I could be pregnant. I still have tubes although they're in bad shape. We have Welsh sperm, they are very persistant. We did it at the right time. Statistics say I've got a small chance. But shouldn't I have noticed something by now? Or do you notice ectopics much sooner? Don't expect me to do anything useful today. And don't say anything wrong. Cos' pms finally kicked in. Or has it...?

Time is healing

2005-08-15T12:43:00.000+12:00

Wow what an intense time since I moved to NZ. Falling in love with R. Getting pregnant. R asking to marry me. Life would have been pretty amazing if these had been the main events last one and a half years. Loosing my pregnancies and finding out about my damaged fertility caused more hurt, grief and sadness I ever felt. I cannot even describe it.

What also makes describing the pain difficult is, like with most pain and hurt and grief, it has faded. Little by little the sharpness of the hurt is getting less. The wounds are starting to heal. The first ivf cycle is coming closer, so there is reason for new hope.

I feel pretty good at the moment. Acupuncture, but also herbs, vitamins and diet advice of my natural fertility specialist give me support. My depression is gone. I don't cry anymore. I don't even have PMS anymore. How cool (and long ago!) is that! And how nice for everyone :-) Now just a bit more creativity and zest for work and I'm great.

Last weekend I saw the movie 'The Sea Inside', about a man that is paralysed for 28 years and fights for the right to die. It was an incredible movie. I've never seen a movie that touched the issues of life and death so deeply. Inside the man is full of love and life and passion and emotions. His body restricts him to move, love a woman, to have children, to live. The only way he can express himself is in his poetry. For him, that is not enough. If he can't have a life, he wants to die. And in the end of the film he indeed kills himself with the help of people that truly love him.

When I was finding out that having children wouldn't come to easy for me I once said that 'loosing my fertility would be like loosing my legs'. After watching The Sea Inside I realised what I actually meant. Wanting to have children is such an essential way of my being. It is more than an biological urge. I would be cut of from a very important source of information what (my) life is all about. An essential way of expressing myself would be lost. And expressing my love for R. And my love for life.

I'm not saying I want to die if I don't get children. But at the deepest low of my pain and grief there were moments I felt like I wanted to die. Or at least hurt myself. Bang my head against the wall. Don't worry, I never would. I'm just saying what I felt.

Sure I know that having children is not the answer to the question of the meaning of life, and ofcourse kids are not always fun and ofcourse there are things that will get more complicated once they arrive and god knows what people tell me to convince me that it's NOT ALL THAT NICE to have children. R's teenagers do a great job in emphasising that having kids is not always fun. And als my mum is very good at given hidden messages like that in our phone calls. Ofcourse absolutely not meant to hurt me.

But what is the alternative? Not having children. What kind of a life is that?

Leaves me wondering: Am I infertile or not? Would I call myself infertile, knowing by now that I cannot get pregnant without ivf?
How do you define being infertile?
a) When you cannot get pregnant the normal & easy way
b) When there are no more treatment options?
c) When your money has run out?
d) When you have no hope left?

Laparoscopy (May 2005)

2005-08-14T11:22:00.000+12:00

Two weeks after my second ectopic pregnancy ended by itself I had my first appointment with my gynaecologist. She was absolutely lovely and decided after a very quick first meeting she wanted to have a closer look at my tubes. I was booked in for a laparoscopy two weeks later. And even my insurance company decided to cooperate!!

How smooth and nice and quick is that!

The hospital was like a 5*hotel. It looked great with designer furniture and everybody was so sweet and nice. (What a difference between public and private healthcare!) The gyn held my hand and I made jokes while the anaesthesia started to work. All fun and games, but an hour later I woke up from the anaesthetic, crying, not knowing if I still had my tubes or not. Still everybody was very very sweet.

The gyn came in saying that what she found was not too good, but that she was very happy she had done the operation. My tubes were damaged, one of my ovaries entangled in adhesions and the fimbria were clubbed. She had removed the adhesions and made new openings in my tubes at the fimbrial ends. She was amazed that I got pregnant twice. She had tested my tubes with dye and initially nothing came through. At the end of the surgery the dye came through ok.

After the surgery three things could happen:
1) I would get pregnant (very small chance)
2) I would get another ectopic (bit more chance)
3) Nothing would happen (fairly big chance)

However chances would be much better with ivf. My gyn is very optimistic about ivf. She said that our eggs and sperm had proven to be a good match with our two technically impossible ectopics.

It might sound strange, but now I look back I am grateful for my two ectopic pregnancies. They have caused me a lot of pain and sadness, but also given a lot of information. A year ago I didn't even know I had problems with fertility. Now, not even a year later I am preparing for my first ivf. If it wasn't for the ectopics by now I might have had my first fertility examinations. And people might still be saying: Just relax and it will happen... (Every infertile agrees that that is the worst anyone can say - even if it's your mother)

I remember the laparoscopy as a very positive thing. After 4 hours I was home again. I didn't have a lot of pain either. A bit of discomfort from the gas in my belly they use to make a bit of space. Three tiny 5mm scars and an unnoticeable change in my bellybotton are the only reminders.

And you know what caused all this? An IUD. Placed by a gynaecologist 13 years ago. Who 'forgot' to make a swab before placing it. How sick is that? I should look into it to see if I can lodge a complain against that butcher!

Ectopic #2 (April 2005)

2005-08-12T10:04:00.000+12:00

The first three months after the chemo I wasn't allowed to get pregnant again. Methotrexate works by destroying the folic acid in your body so fast growing cells have no food anymore. So first the chemicals had to be out of my system and the vitamin levels in my body needed to be back to normal.

The statistics said I had a 20% chance my next pregnancy would turn out to be another ectopic. My doctors said: 'You can start trying again in February'. But I was thinking: There must be a good reason why I had the ectopic. And if there is a good reason, it will happen again. 100% Guaranteed. Medical science can be trial and error.

Somebody said: 'the good news of having an ectopic is that you know you can get pregnant'. But I wasn't too sure. Before I always thought that getting pregnant was a moment, the moment of the sperm penetrating the egg. But the more I read about it and also the way I experienced it myself made me realise getting pregnant is a process. The process of the sperm travelling up the tubes to the egg and getting inside of it. Then the fertilized egg moving over the grasslike cilia in the tubes towards the womb, cells steadily dividing. Then the egg hatching - digging itself in the lining of the uterus. Or somewhere else.... :-(
Getting pregnant takes 10 days. Ten long nervewrecking days.

I did everything right. No more drinking, healthy eating. Yoga, horseriding, dogwalking, swimming and no stress (quit my job). Started acupuncture. I bought a document on the internet that gave me more tips. I ate all the recommended vitamins... And ofcourse I had my monthly mental breakdown when my period came.

In March I started to temp & chart. And I bought ovulation predictor tests. And I looked at my mucus. We had sex when it was scientifically the right time. Many times :-) And wowee in the third cycle I became pregnant again!! Well, at least that was what my acupuncturist said 8 days after conception by feeling my pulse. I was very impressed. But I already felt something that clearly reminded me of the first time. I had felt the embryo hatch. A sharp and scratchy kind of crampy feeling.

I still don't know if you can feel when the embryo hatches in the uterus. I know for sure that you can when it hatches in your tube or fimbria. In my first ectopic pregnancy I had felt it too. I remember saying that it felt as if the embryo cannot find a nice spot. How accurate was that!
If you have felt your baby hatch after about 7 to 10 days after ovulation, let me know!

Ofcourse I was very happy. But the uncertainty took away a lot of the excitement. My first beta came back 118, so at least that was a much better score. Again, I felt the pregnancy wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't feeling more pregnant everyday. I just felt a little pregnant. And after being a week late I felt even a little less pregnant. Bleeding. Loosing the lining. Déjà vu.

It wasn't as bad as the first time. I was better prepared. Getting pregnant was no surprise. Loosing it was no surprise. The doctor sent me for a scan to the hospital. They instantly wanted to put me in bed with a drip and the whole lot. I was so much more assertive all the doctors and nurses were pissed off with me. I just want a scan! They didn't have time for a scan. So I drove two hours for nothing.

The next day I had a scan and again, there was nothing to see, not in my uterus, or anywhere else. It was so heartbreaking frustrating. Imagine you know you're pregant, but you know you'll never see or hold that baby. It will never have a beating heart. It won't even have a name. Nobody even knows where it is.

Something nice happened. My HCG levels were going down by itself. That meant the embryo wasn't making it, where ever it was. It meant no chemo, no surgery.

This pregnancy gave me something valuable: no trial and error anymore. We were a medical case now. No longer just a statistic. I could continue to the next level: The gyneacologist.

Methotrexate and after

2005-08-10T17:51:00.000+12:00

It's a long time ago, ten months! It's not easy to remember it all. It's not easy to recapture the feelings of the total loss and rockbottom depression that I experienced back then. Although I have never seen my baby, although it has never even had a heart beat my body and my soul were completely overwhelmed with love for this little soul in the first weeks of being pregnant.

The chemo was not too bad. I didn't loose my hair, no bad nausea, just total exhaustion. I fell asleep on the doctor's desk when she was gone for a minute. Fell asleep somewhere while walking the dog. And crying. I remember the nurses patching me up with coffee with sugar - it wasn't smart to let me drive. But them being just friendly to me would make me burst out in tears another time.

The hospital kept a close look at my beta numbers. With chemo there is a small chance that some cells survive and continue to divide. The result of that won't be an embryo anymore. Just strange cells, programmed to multiply, holding on to your insides. But lucky me, the numbers went down...

A week after the methotrexate something started nobody had warned me for. I started to bleed A LOT. I got a bit scared I would need the surgery after all, but doctors told me that it was part of the deal. The pain was just excruciating. In my side, my belly, my back, I didn't know pain could be so bad. But after a couple of days I felt something 'POOOFF' - and that was it. The 'thing' let go, I felt better instantly.

A few days later I started to get a pain in my lower back that was sort of pulling my right leg. It became gradually more difficult to turn around in bed, to get out of bed, and in the end I simply couldn't move anymore. More doctors and more chemicals helped me to get on my feet again. It felt like it was strongly related with the ectopic. But ofcourse normal doctors say it isn't and the alternative scene didn't have anything that was strong enough to fix me.

I've always been a healthy person. In this short period of time I had three courses of antibiotics, chemo treatment, painkillers, and anti inflammatories. Yeay! In Janury we had a big detox, super healthy diet, no alcohol, and even a colonic. Let's not go into details!

Treating the ectopic (Nov 2004)

2005-08-09T09:25:00.000+12:00

A wicked rollercoaster:
First the confusion of being pregnant or maybe not, or little bit. For a few days you think you are pregnant. Then you loose it. Trying to deal with the pain of the miscarriage. Finding out that you're still pregnant, or at least sort of. And then all of a sudden your mystery baby turns into something that is like a life treatening disease...

In the afternoon I was welcomed at the ER in a panicky sort of way and instantly got a IV popped in my arm. 'Just in case you need surgery'. I answered the same questions many many times. 36 years old, 7 weeks pregnant, HCG levels less than 500, no pain, no bleeding, not dizzy, no nausea, no shoulderpain, - I was just wondering what all the fuss was about really. The embryo couldn't be very big if you couldn't see it on a scan I'd say...

The good thing about this part of the world (NZ) is that emergencies and accidents are treated for free, for everybody. The downside of the public health is that you're lucky if your doctor speaks english and that everybody is very very busy.

Two gyns explained to me what a ectopic is and how to get rid of it. And that I had two options: operating and loosing the right tube or chemo therapy. Methodrexate makes fast growing cells stop multiplying and so my minibaby would die. Ok, I'll have the chemo....

The doctor and I didn't get along very well. I was sad, grumpy, depressed, stressed and in a hurry to get it over with. He was very unpleasant as well. We ended up in an argument that he said he had to examine me and that I said I had enough examinations that day. I just didn't want the grubby guy to touch me. YUCK!

At 11 pm they were finally ready to give me the injection. The gyn came back, completely dressed in protecting clothing, including some kind of space mask. He was standing there with raised needle, repeating once more I could't have unprotected sex for three months. Ok, just give me the fucking injection will you!

When we left the hospital was asleep. It took a while before we found someone to take the drip out of my arm.

First time pregnant (Sep 2004)

2005-08-08T07:04:00.000+12:00

Almost a year ago I became pregnant. It wasn't planned but I was very happy with it. My new partner and I knew each other a rocking two-and-a-half months. He was more in shock about it than I but said he would support me, no matter what... I was 36 and being pregnant was more then I hoped for.

The pregnancy test showed I was a little pregnant. (I found julie's blog with Google! - the first blog I read...) So that is actually possible! A faint pink line. I took another test, same result. It was all very surreal. I went to the doctor and had a bloodtest done. HCG came out an impressive 25. The doctor said that there was NO WAY I could feel pregnant with these numbers, but gosh I really did feel absolutely pregnant. The ladies at the doctor's office congratulated me. But as soon I was behind my computer and started to search for hcg levels I found out something wasn't going well.

When I was a week late I started to bleed. I lost something, I thought it was a miscarriage. What else could it be? I looked at it closely, wondered how microscopic an embryo was at three weeks because I didn't see anything that looked like an embryo in there and then flushed it through the toilet.

Expecting everything to go back to normal I slowly but gradually started to feel more and more pregnant. But I was also still bleeding and felt very ill, as if I had glass splinters in my veins. I was crying all day. At some stage I was feeling so depressed and strange that it was as if I was walking through a tunnel.

A new bloodtest at week 6 showed the levels gone up to 256. Going up but not enough. The doctor didn't see a reason to do anything and told me to come back a week later. A nurse in the office suggested that I might have lost one of twins and that that was why I was still pregnant. That really cheered me up for a day or two. Then, admitting that this was a very unlikely diagnosis, I decided to go to another doctor.

She instantly guessed right what was going on, told me to get a scan immediately. There was nothing to be seen in my uterus. And I had pain on my right side. Time to rush to the hospital to get rid of the ectopic. All of a sudden my baby was called 'that lump in the right tube' or 'the results of conception'...